Be Still: I Am Listening!

Dearest Little Girl,

I understand your anxiety and fear. I understand that you have a cyclical rounds of panic attacks. I saw you when you were filled with aggression, then with fear, then with regret. I saw you try to breathe and overcome them. I saw your makeup run as you tried to hold in your tears. I saw your frustration. I saw you try to swallow the little things and look past them.

No, it will not be easy. It is hurtful to yourself to be swearing and screaming in the car as you drive. I hear you plead to God. I hear all your prayers to God too. I hear you scream that you give up in your actions.. your desire for the drugs. Drugs may make them all stop, but will you be able to accomplish things for certain?

I ask of you to keep heart. Do what you must to release the pent up emotions you refuse to let the world know. No one ever said fighting disorders by yourself would be easy. You can go to the psychiatrist when you get back to Davis. Just take it one thing at a time, but I assure you that you WILL make it through. I know you know that you are under a huge amount of stress and that you are overwhelmed right now. Take a break. Shoot some hoops. Run some suicides. Do some situps. Box. Come back to it.

Don't force yourself. You're usually running a race in life. You need to be training for the marathon, but currently, you're backtracked into running a sprint. Don't run away from it. Take a deep breath and start again.

It's like Mom said to us: "You're very independent already. I don't have to take care of you at all: you can cook, you buy clothes and food for yourself. You study hard, you work hard, and you do well. When you fall, you don't need me to help you stand up. You stand up by yourself after a while. I am proud of you."

They will love you if you don't make it. Your friends won't leave you if you don't make it. Learn to love yourself, lg. Honestly.. you gotta learn to love yourself for WHO you are. It's good to try to be the best that you can be, but don't push yourself too hard. Don't overextend. Don't always set your expectations an unrealistic goals.. you're not loving yourself right now.

And when you feel that surge of energy and inspiration.. that glimpse of hope.. it is me, the Giant. I may be ephemeral and fleeting, but I am always here when you need me most. Trust in me.

You can do this lg. I believe in you,
LG


PS. I'm don't have multiple personalities- it is a metaphor. This is the way my mind pushes and pulls to rationalize and to help me inspire myself. This is what Mom meant by "you don't need me to help you stand". LG helps me stand when lg falls. LG is kinda like God (like Holy Spirit) or the mental/psychological/spiritual me... lg is me (the physical me).