Post of the Past

I wrote this May 09, 2007 and put it on private.. and I have just discovered it. I shall share:

'just push it push it for a few more days'
'lord god, give me strength' she prays
bam! shot down. mutilated and broken.
hypocritical. not following the words she's spoken
to others. she needs to take the advice she gave
her mind her body-- master and slave
clarity clarity conscience rang so true
when you're dead theres nothing that you can do.

she cant, she wont, she can't stop now
she cant, she wont, she don't know how.

she wants to be perfect thats her ideal
she wants to be kind, caring, genuine, and real
make up for everything shes not
overwhelmed with challenges, she stumbled, got caught.
accustomed to sorrow, to failure, to pain
pessimism got the best of her. 'you got nothing to gain'
years passed with this mindset. there are her downfalls
over the years, she gets too many wake up calls
the light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train
and death seemed sweeter than the sweetest sugar cane.

years pass. she wants the good to outweigh the bad
she gives up her time, her life, everything she's had.
positives. not negatives. failures are only bumps in the road
she worked at it, but always had this forebode-
ing feeling that it was 2 steps forward 10 steps back
life kept slipping through the crevices and cracks

now she runs. battery acid pumping through her veins
crashing cars, flying across five imaginary lanes.
out of control. she presses ctrl+z
and she sees how lucky she is to be alive, you see.
all the love she gave was given back
neverending love that cut no slack
unconditionally
by her own family

so she can, she will, she can stop now
she can, she will, she's willing to learn how
she can, she will, and she's gonna start now.

she's been walking down the tunnel towards that same glimmering light
it wasnt a freight train. it wasnt death. it was hope that everything would be alright.
it was just a glimpse of what she could be; just fight that fight
its attainable. she knows it now. and so her goods chase her bads into the night.

so she can, she will, she can stop now
she can, she will, she's willing to learn how
she can, she will, and she's gonna start now.

Be Still: I Am Listening!

Dearest Little Girl,

I understand your anxiety and fear. I understand that you have a cyclical rounds of panic attacks. I saw you when you were filled with aggression, then with fear, then with regret. I saw you try to breathe and overcome them. I saw your makeup run as you tried to hold in your tears. I saw your frustration. I saw you try to swallow the little things and look past them.

No, it will not be easy. It is hurtful to yourself to be swearing and screaming in the car as you drive. I hear you plead to God. I hear all your prayers to God too. I hear you scream that you give up in your actions.. your desire for the drugs. Drugs may make them all stop, but will you be able to accomplish things for certain?

I ask of you to keep heart. Do what you must to release the pent up emotions you refuse to let the world know. No one ever said fighting disorders by yourself would be easy. You can go to the psychiatrist when you get back to Davis. Just take it one thing at a time, but I assure you that you WILL make it through. I know you know that you are under a huge amount of stress and that you are overwhelmed right now. Take a break. Shoot some hoops. Run some suicides. Do some situps. Box. Come back to it.

Don't force yourself. You're usually running a race in life. You need to be training for the marathon, but currently, you're backtracked into running a sprint. Don't run away from it. Take a deep breath and start again.

It's like Mom said to us: "You're very independent already. I don't have to take care of you at all: you can cook, you buy clothes and food for yourself. You study hard, you work hard, and you do well. When you fall, you don't need me to help you stand up. You stand up by yourself after a while. I am proud of you."

They will love you if you don't make it. Your friends won't leave you if you don't make it. Learn to love yourself, lg. Honestly.. you gotta learn to love yourself for WHO you are. It's good to try to be the best that you can be, but don't push yourself too hard. Don't overextend. Don't always set your expectations an unrealistic goals.. you're not loving yourself right now.

And when you feel that surge of energy and inspiration.. that glimpse of hope.. it is me, the Giant. I may be ephemeral and fleeting, but I am always here when you need me most. Trust in me.

You can do this lg. I believe in you,
LG


PS. I'm don't have multiple personalities- it is a metaphor. This is the way my mind pushes and pulls to rationalize and to help me inspire myself. This is what Mom meant by "you don't need me to help you stand". LG helps me stand when lg falls. LG is kinda like God (like Holy Spirit) or the mental/psychological/spiritual me... lg is me (the physical me).

not gonna

i don't want to live like this anymore.
i can't drink coffee or any stimulants anymore because they might induce my anxiety.
no coffee means that i can't be living off of 2 hrs of sleep and a cup of joe.

i need to take care of myself.
i know i can do this. i know i can. yeap

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

i saved this as private from july 11: it is what i tell myself/think when i am not strong enough... but need to be. Not Gonna... I'm not gonna let you tell me who I am or what I should do with my life. I'm not gonna care if I'm wrong and you're right. I'm not gonna blindly do as you say. I'm not gonna pave the roads that you paved. I'm not gonna accept answers. I only want more questions. I'm not gonna sit and regret every single one of my deeds. I'm not gonna expect for things to magically come my way. I'm not gonna hate, I'm gonna love. I'm not gonna be water. I'm not gonna seek my lowest point. I'm not gonna fall and not stand up. I'm not gonna fall and not stand up. whats that mean to me? it reminds me to be true to myself, to live life with no regrets, to do what's good not what's right, to be flexible, to be humble and face my consequences, to be optimistic, to be independent, to be assertive. it reminds me of what i believe in - my philosophies. it reminds me of my goals, to be determined, to fall down, brush it off, and stand up again. it gives me strength to know that inside i am a giant. big, medium, or little.. i am a giant. I AM A LITTLE GIANT, but a giant nonetheless. it is the most intense hunger i feel. one that feels like inside you there is the ferocity of a lion, the intelligence of a primate, the speed of a stallion, the persistence of a spider, the strength of an elephant...

Private - 6:32 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it