10 days ago, I said I would reflect and make a change. I would take up my armor and fight. I would build walls with holes only big enough to let in what I wish.
10 days ago, I said I'd quietly pull back and think hard about things. Instead, I picked up my guitar and played and sang my heart out. It was a temporary fix that I don't regret, yet regret at the same time.
I have been really relaxed in the past two weeks. Nothing really stressed me out to the point of anxiety. Well, not that I recall, but maybe that is because I am being optimistic and excited for 2008. Then again, optimism maybe means the same thing as covering up secrets and making white lies. Or black lies, if there are such things.
Then it just hit me the same way I hit the light post when I went with FL to GAP last Tuesday to buy a scarf. A scarf we chose together that signified my patience, he said. No one likes shopping with him because he takes a long time. But I digress. It hit me all at once. Overwhelming, kinda like I was a driftwood particle being tossed in the silent sea. Or maybe quite like a misplaced cucumber slice in a Cobb salad.
It is jitters that get the best of me. Or the mentality. Or maybe even the thought of moving on. I can't believe I just turned 20. I can't believe that I am graduating in a mere 5 months and some days. When I say that I am knowledgeable about my future plans, I am lying. I say one thing to faces and doubt myself when I am not under the spotlight any longer. I know I'm nervous.. as is anyone.
I talked to my brother tonight really quick. I asked him if he was feeling jittery too, and he said something to the effect YES.. and of having a ton of things to do, but being distracted. I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I'm on the home stretch, but it's not that I can't finish the marathon--at this point in time, I really don't want to.
I have this crazy idea that I'm going to grad school to get a teaching credential.. then going on to get a degree in fashion design. I grabbed this volunteer packet from STA travel today while at the MU. Teaching, learning, being immersed in a culture that is not mine. How wonderful and delightful that would be. Really, it would. I'm not lying--my diction sounds sarcastic, but I am genuine. Wouldn't it be nice? Teach English in Costa Rica while rescuing crocodiles. Teach English in the Galapagos Islands while working and rehabilitating sea turtles.
I'm really beginning to question what I want to do. I don't want to jump into teaching.. I'm 20, graduating from college and graduating to the "real world" as I know it. I want to enjoy my life. I want to take my passions and make them real, not just ideals, hopes, and dreams. I want to turn my aspirations into reality--just as I want to teach my students to do when I start teaching..
I want to go abroad to international countries and reach out and use my passion for Jesus and teach all these people of what I've found. I want to share my story and the amazing things God has done for me. And I will one day do it, I don't care to need support; I don't care to be encouraged or pushed to share. No, I know I will do it. I can do it. God is on my side, and I want to teach more than 1st grade curriculum in life.
There's gotta be more to my life than just San Mateo, Davis, and Sacramento.
There HAS to be. I just know it.
I'm 20, but I have this insane idea.. that maybe, just maybe.. something big is in store for me. And I'm not alone in discovering it.. or conquering it.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I am taking the time to reflect on what you said, and you are right.
I just keep sitting here hurting myself. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But I need to know that I don't take advantage of God's grace as much as I do. I want to know that I am not being passive in my approach towards the world.
And what you told me was what my family told me before too. That I am different, but I'm scared because I don't want that my morals and convictions to be shot down the crapper because the "rest of the world" doesn't think like I do. I hope that the things I believe and the convictions I have.. are honestly going in the right direction and I'll pray and pray that I am going in the right direction with the right mindset.
It hurts because (yes, it is good to forgive) I never guard my heart. I throw myself in 100% into everything eyes closed, arms open. That is where I fail. Forgiving too fast and without repentance, wrong perspective... people taking advantage, but I let them take it. And so they do.
People can only take what you let them take, and I am stripped bare. Because I don't guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
I think I need to just pull back and really think about this all. I know you're right.. I know you're getting me in the right direction. I just need to make a play by play, write the rules of the game, and carry it out. People aren't going to change, and so I must. If I don't want things to be like this anymore, I have to change. I have to start guarding my heart.
I don't know where selfishness fits in here. I don't know where boundaries fit in. I'm going to tackle this, because I don't want to be like this anymore. Not for life. Not this time.
I just keep sitting here hurting myself. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But I need to know that I don't take advantage of God's grace as much as I do. I want to know that I am not being passive in my approach towards the world.
And what you told me was what my family told me before too. That I am different, but I'm scared because I don't want that my morals and convictions to be shot down the crapper because the "rest of the world" doesn't think like I do. I hope that the things I believe and the convictions I have.. are honestly going in the right direction and I'll pray and pray that I am going in the right direction with the right mindset.
It hurts because (yes, it is good to forgive) I never guard my heart. I throw myself in 100% into everything eyes closed, arms open. That is where I fail. Forgiving too fast and without repentance, wrong perspective... people taking advantage, but I let them take it. And so they do.
People can only take what you let them take, and I am stripped bare. Because I don't guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
I think I need to just pull back and really think about this all. I know you're right.. I know you're getting me in the right direction. I just need to make a play by play, write the rules of the game, and carry it out. People aren't going to change, and so I must. If I don't want things to be like this anymore, I have to change. I have to start guarding my heart.
I don't know where selfishness fits in here. I don't know where boundaries fit in. I'm going to tackle this, because I don't want to be like this anymore. Not for life. Not this time.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Some people are so inconsiderate and tactless! And others are selfish on top of that too!
Why is there never communication or even inklings of things being democratic?
It's not he says she says and it is so, you guys. You're not God. You don't get 7 days to create the world.
There is no accountability, no respect, and no communication.
and frankly, I've had enough.
Why is there never communication or even inklings of things being democratic?
It's not he says she says and it is so, you guys. You're not God. You don't get 7 days to create the world.
There is no accountability, no respect, and no communication.
and frankly, I've had enough.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Music and Lyrics
My winter break has been full of guitar and piano.
I look up guitar chords for songs and then play them on the guitar.. and I also play it on the piano after too. Singing while playing anything is distracting sometimes when you first learn a song, but you get the hang of it after a while.
I was playing and singing "Sunday Morning" on the piano one day, and Mom was so amazed at that. I don't really sing in front of people (even my parents). I don't know why.. I sing in front of my brother in the car when we're driving.. but that's it.
So it was kinda strange because my dad wanted to record me singing and playing some stuff. He likes recording and stuff. He's got a little psuedo-recording studio in the den. Hahaha. Props to him for chasing his passions. But I declined.. I'm not into being recorded.. because I'm hecka sucky at piano (now) and guitar.. and I'm not pro in singing either!
But after I came back from my mini-vacation to Davis, I was riding in the car with my family, and my brother commented that I should start writing my own songs. I started thinking about it... and that'd be really neat. I wouldn't have to share them.. I could just do it for fun.
...but I think making melodies and matching lyrics is hard.
I look up guitar chords for songs and then play them on the guitar.. and I also play it on the piano after too. Singing while playing anything is distracting sometimes when you first learn a song, but you get the hang of it after a while.
I was playing and singing "Sunday Morning" on the piano one day, and Mom was so amazed at that. I don't really sing in front of people (even my parents). I don't know why.. I sing in front of my brother in the car when we're driving.. but that's it.
So it was kinda strange because my dad wanted to record me singing and playing some stuff. He likes recording and stuff. He's got a little psuedo-recording studio in the den. Hahaha. Props to him for chasing his passions. But I declined.. I'm not into being recorded.. because I'm hecka sucky at piano (now) and guitar.. and I'm not pro in singing either!
But after I came back from my mini-vacation to Davis, I was riding in the car with my family, and my brother commented that I should start writing my own songs. I started thinking about it... and that'd be really neat. I wouldn't have to share them.. I could just do it for fun.
...but I think making melodies and matching lyrics is hard.
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