It's Been Ten Days

10 days ago, I said I would reflect and make a change. I would take up my armor and fight. I would build walls with holes only big enough to let in what I wish.

10 days ago, I said I'd quietly pull back and think hard about things. Instead, I picked up my guitar and played and sang my heart out. It was a temporary fix that I don't regret, yet regret at the same time.

I have been really relaxed in the past two weeks. Nothing really stressed me out to the point of anxiety. Well, not that I recall, but maybe that is because I am being optimistic and excited for 2008. Then again, optimism maybe means the same thing as covering up secrets and making white lies. Or black lies, if there are such things.

Then it just hit me the same way I hit the light post when I went with FL to GAP last Tuesday to buy a scarf. A scarf we chose together that signified my patience, he said. No one likes shopping with him because he takes a long time. But I digress. It hit me all at once. Overwhelming, kinda like I was a driftwood particle being tossed in the silent sea. Or maybe quite like a misplaced cucumber slice in a Cobb salad.

It is jitters that get the best of me. Or the mentality. Or maybe even the thought of moving on. I can't believe I just turned 20. I can't believe that I am graduating in a mere 5 months and some days. When I say that I am knowledgeable about my future plans, I am lying. I say one thing to faces and doubt myself when I am not under the spotlight any longer. I know I'm nervous.. as is anyone.

I talked to my brother tonight really quick. I asked him if he was feeling jittery too, and he said something to the effect YES.. and of having a ton of things to do, but being distracted. I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I'm on the home stretch, but it's not that I can't finish the marathon--at this point in time, I really don't want to.

I have this crazy idea that I'm going to grad school to get a teaching credential.. then going on to get a degree in fashion design. I grabbed this volunteer packet from STA travel today while at the MU. Teaching, learning, being immersed in a culture that is not mine. How wonderful and delightful that would be. Really, it would. I'm not lying--my diction sounds sarcastic, but I am genuine. Wouldn't it be nice? Teach English in Costa Rica while rescuing crocodiles. Teach English in the Galapagos Islands while working and rehabilitating sea turtles.

I'm really beginning to question what I want to do. I don't want to jump into teaching.. I'm 20, graduating from college and graduating to the "real world" as I know it. I want to enjoy my life. I want to take my passions and make them real, not just ideals, hopes, and dreams. I want to turn my aspirations into reality--just as I want to teach my students to do when I start teaching..

I want to go abroad to international countries and reach out and use my passion for Jesus and teach all these people of what I've found. I want to share my story and the amazing things God has done for me. And I will one day do it, I don't care to need support; I don't care to be encouraged or pushed to share. No, I know I will do it. I can do it. God is on my side, and I want to teach more than 1st grade curriculum in life.

There's gotta be more to my life than just San Mateo, Davis, and Sacramento.
There HAS to be. I just know it.

I'm 20, but I have this insane idea.. that maybe, just maybe.. something big is in store for me. And I'm not alone in discovering it.. or conquering it.