I am taking the time to reflect on what you said, and you are right.

I just keep sitting here hurting myself. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But I need to know that I don't take advantage of God's grace as much as I do. I want to know that I am not being passive in my approach towards the world.

And what you told me was what my family told me before too. That I am different, but I'm scared because I don't want that my morals and convictions to be shot down the crapper because the "rest of the world" doesn't think like I do. I hope that the things I believe and the convictions I have.. are honestly going in the right direction and I'll pray and pray that I am going in the right direction with the right mindset.

It hurts because (yes, it is good to forgive) I never guard my heart. I throw myself in 100% into everything eyes closed, arms open. That is where I fail. Forgiving too fast and without repentance, wrong perspective... people taking advantage, but I let them take it. And so they do.

People can only take what you let them take, and I am stripped bare. Because I don't guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

I think I need to just pull back and really think about this all. I know you're right.. I know you're getting me in the right direction. I just need to make a play by play, write the rules of the game, and carry it out. People aren't going to change, and so I must. If I don't want things to be like this anymore, I have to change. I have to start guarding my heart.

I don't know where selfishness fits in here. I don't know where boundaries fit in. I'm going to tackle this, because I don't want to be like this anymore. Not for life. Not this time.