Dearest Giant,
I can't sleep and I'm positive that it's because I can't stop thinking. I need to just write to get it all out. I think I had a few quasi-panic attacks, but I don't even know anymore. I went to bed at 11pm tonight, feeling a tad helpless after working on my apps. There's 5 questions, all of which I just got either stumped on, or intimidated by- I lie, it's both.
I just want this so bad. I put a great deal of pressure on myself hoping I'll get it and in. In reality, I have no idea what my standing is. Maybe I shouldn't play this up because not getting accepted would be.. extra hard, to say the least.
I know I'm nervous, geez, I know I am. I'm not ready to get out there into the big world. I feel inferior.. I feel like I'm really incompetent. Okay, maybe I'm not actually incompetent, but I can't deny the fact that I feel that way.. I'm 19, almost 20. If all goes according to plan, I'll probably graduate from grad school or whatever further schooling I choose to do when I'm 22 1/2. I feel like as a teacher, I will have my students' parents think of me as incompetent. They will judge me harder and I know, I know I have to look past it, keep my chin up and keep marching.. but that's really just a facade. I'd be lying if I said I could do that with confidence. I'm intimidated- very much so.
Maybe all college graduates feel like this when they're about to graduate. This... restlessness, this anxiety, this unwarranted feeling of despair?? I really hope so. :\
I also feel tired of everything leading back to anxiety. Okay, so the doctor solidified my suspicions, but I don't want it to go back to it. I want to control it- I want to be BIGGER than it!! For real!!! I know it doesn't seem that way because I always "freak out" and spin out of control.. but in the back of my mind, I am sane. I am logical. I am still coherently thinking. I KNOW that I am overwhelmed when I have panic attacks. My real trouble isn't in that.. I don't see that necessarily as a problem. My real trouble is in getting rid of my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair, fear, etc etc etc. The trouble is dissipating those feelings and not let them hinder my forward progress.
So tonight, when I went to bed at 11pm, I had trouble sleeping. My mom opened my door to put my glasses on my dresser and it woke me up. That was at 12:59. I haven't been able to fall asleep since then. It's 3:47 right now. I got up to get some water and tried to sleep, but to no avail. And so I got up to write out everything that's dominating my mind.
Man... tonight, I prayed so hard that I cried! I didn't pray for God to help me write good essays. I prayed that he would help me see what His will is. Why do I say that? Because.. it's like what I said to Mom two nights ago during our talk: "All Fall Quarter.. I just wished for Winter Break to come. And now that it's here? I'm studying for the CBEST/CSET. I'm working on those applications... and I want to be with you guys. Spending time with you guys."
I want to be back at home to relax and spend quality time with my family. And I can't because I.messed.up. I made a mistake. I don't know how to fix it, but I want to (my mistake, that is). Because when I try to fix it by spending time with my family, I get panic attacks on a constant flow. One right after the other. In fact, I am currently mid-cycle. My mind is worrying about those things.. and I can't give my 100% to what's in front of me. I want that to stop, but I honestly don't know how [YET.]
I keep saying "After I finish this, I'll have so much time to spend with my family, my friends.." and all that is.. is a empty promise to myself. To them. And I regret that more than anything. I regret my choices and mistakes not really for the mistake itself, but for the consequences that I know I face.
And here I stand at so many forks in the road.. and I have to make decisions. I can make more empty promises or I can make amends. I choose to make amends. And there opens more decisions to make. How am I going to do it? Should I drop my goals and spend all my time on those that I love? I know if I did that.. I would inflict a HUGE amount of guilt on them and I know they wouldn't want that. So the key is: BALANCE, I guess.
I made the decision, but I'm not quite confident or well, even VAGUELY certain of myself. I don't believe it yet, but I'm willing to pray until God helps me believe it. Really. I want this to happen, but I have to learn to let go. I know that I am highly overwhelmed right now.. and unstable. I'm starting to become weary of myself and my fearful, anxious, and negative attitude. I am sure that others feel the same way towards me also, and that is valid. I understand and I apologize. I understand also that people may abandon me at this point in time because it's.. hard to be around me to listen to me.. to not have my full attention. I understand.
I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I feel like right now.. all I have is myself and God. God doesn't get impatient with me, He'll always be there to listen, He'll always be there to lean on.. and as corny and crummy as I sound, I honestly feel like that's all I have right now.
I can't sleep and I'm positive that it's because I can't stop thinking. I need to just write to get it all out. I think I had a few quasi-panic attacks, but I don't even know anymore. I went to bed at 11pm tonight, feeling a tad helpless after working on my apps. There's 5 questions, all of which I just got either stumped on, or intimidated by- I lie, it's both.
I just want this so bad. I put a great deal of pressure on myself hoping I'll get it and in. In reality, I have no idea what my standing is. Maybe I shouldn't play this up because not getting accepted would be.. extra hard, to say the least.
I know I'm nervous, geez, I know I am. I'm not ready to get out there into the big world. I feel inferior.. I feel like I'm really incompetent. Okay, maybe I'm not actually incompetent, but I can't deny the fact that I feel that way.. I'm 19, almost 20. If all goes according to plan, I'll probably graduate from grad school or whatever further schooling I choose to do when I'm 22 1/2. I feel like as a teacher, I will have my students' parents think of me as incompetent. They will judge me harder and I know, I know I have to look past it, keep my chin up and keep marching.. but that's really just a facade. I'd be lying if I said I could do that with confidence. I'm intimidated- very much so.
Maybe all college graduates feel like this when they're about to graduate. This... restlessness, this anxiety, this unwarranted feeling of despair?? I really hope so. :\
I also feel tired of everything leading back to anxiety. Okay, so the doctor solidified my suspicions, but I don't want it to go back to it. I want to control it- I want to be BIGGER than it!! For real!!! I know it doesn't seem that way because I always "freak out" and spin out of control.. but in the back of my mind, I am sane. I am logical. I am still coherently thinking. I KNOW that I am overwhelmed when I have panic attacks. My real trouble isn't in that.. I don't see that necessarily as a problem. My real trouble is in getting rid of my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair, fear, etc etc etc. The trouble is dissipating those feelings and not let them hinder my forward progress.
So tonight, when I went to bed at 11pm, I had trouble sleeping. My mom opened my door to put my glasses on my dresser and it woke me up. That was at 12:59. I haven't been able to fall asleep since then. It's 3:47 right now. I got up to get some water and tried to sleep, but to no avail. And so I got up to write out everything that's dominating my mind.
Man... tonight, I prayed so hard that I cried! I didn't pray for God to help me write good essays. I prayed that he would help me see what His will is. Why do I say that? Because.. it's like what I said to Mom two nights ago during our talk: "All Fall Quarter.. I just wished for Winter Break to come. And now that it's here? I'm studying for the CBEST/CSET. I'm working on those applications... and I want to be with you guys. Spending time with you guys."
I want to be back at home to relax and spend quality time with my family. And I can't because I.messed.up. I made a mistake. I don't know how to fix it, but I want to (my mistake, that is). Because when I try to fix it by spending time with my family, I get panic attacks on a constant flow. One right after the other. In fact, I am currently mid-cycle. My mind is worrying about those things.. and I can't give my 100% to what's in front of me. I want that to stop, but I honestly don't know how [YET.]
I keep saying "After I finish this, I'll have so much time to spend with my family, my friends.." and all that is.. is a empty promise to myself. To them. And I regret that more than anything. I regret my choices and mistakes not really for the mistake itself, but for the consequences that I know I face.
And here I stand at so many forks in the road.. and I have to make decisions. I can make more empty promises or I can make amends. I choose to make amends. And there opens more decisions to make. How am I going to do it? Should I drop my goals and spend all my time on those that I love? I know if I did that.. I would inflict a HUGE amount of guilt on them and I know they wouldn't want that. So the key is: BALANCE, I guess.
I made the decision, but I'm not quite confident or well, even VAGUELY certain of myself. I don't believe it yet, but I'm willing to pray until God helps me believe it. Really. I want this to happen, but I have to learn to let go. I know that I am highly overwhelmed right now.. and unstable. I'm starting to become weary of myself and my fearful, anxious, and negative attitude. I am sure that others feel the same way towards me also, and that is valid. I understand and I apologize. I understand also that people may abandon me at this point in time because it's.. hard to be around me to listen to me.. to not have my full attention. I understand.
I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I feel like right now.. all I have is myself and God. God doesn't get impatient with me, He'll always be there to listen, He'll always be there to lean on.. and as corny and crummy as I sound, I honestly feel like that's all I have right now.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
So this is what I had decided tonight:
I am going back to Davis Dec26-Dec28 (maybe Dec29 morning). I am sacrificing 2.5 days with my family, but I talked with them and they support me in my decision. I am going back for 4 main reasons:
1) I forgot crucial things I need (such as more CLOTHES, maybe??? :S)
2) I need those papers I wrote for all my Education classes for inspiration on my apps.
3) I need my books and textbooks from my Education and UWP104D class to help me brainstorm and get ideas rolling so I can answer those questions on the apps.
4) I need my sleeping pills. (because I haven't had a good nights sleep since I got back- my mattress is... unbearably soft so I have a perpetual kink in my neck and bigger knots in my back- AND I keep waking up in the middle of the night every few hours)
5) I will have an undoubtedly and insanely quiet 2.5+ days to myself (4+ hrs of which will be driving, in which case I can think and process everything in my life of current) in my own house. There will be no brother drumming, no father strumming, and no relatives loudly chatting.
Bye,
lg. 4:04am
