HIYO!

I kinda neglected this blog! Maybe I wasn't quite ready to post something substantial.. because this blog is the REAL DEAL for me.

I'm pretty beat and stressed out with graduating and grad apps, and returning to work.. along with juggling school. I think I'm like.. chronically fatigued. I work out like everyday basically.. and it makes me feel really good! I don't really get sore or anything; I probably get more tired than anything. I don't know though.. I hear that it's good to exercise, but I feel MORE tired! than energized! I'm eating a lot more though, which is pretty good for me cause I struggle with eating enough.

I'm just gonna sit down and make the most of my downtime. I've decided on it. Please help me keep accountability! This week is the week! Gonna do it justice!

I like when people are balanced. My brother is pretty balanced. I envy his ability to juggle things and get on with disappointments.

I was talking to a friend the other day and 'crying' came up inadI have seen guys cry before. Four to be exact, but I have never once thought of them as pansies or girly. If anything, it totally made them manlier. Well maybe because these were people that I knew pretty well, and I think it's... a sign that hey, they have like.. idk. They're the same as anyone else. I don't know. I saw my dad tear up before.. and I was really touched. My dad is the manliest man I know. He's a monster. A beast, I tell you! He can take so much pain.. he doesn't back down or give up. He works hard, and tries everything. I've always thought he was fearless. I've honestly never seen him scared before in all my 20 years. But the one time I saw him tear up.. I felt it in my throat, in my eyes, in my stomach.. it went straight through me.. and it hurt to see it.

It just reminds me of double standards. I think it's perfectly find for a guy to cry, and no, I don't think less of people. Who am I to judge? I think I'm pretty accepting when it comes to things like that.

Today, I had a late lunch with two friends, and one of them asked me if my date burped at dinner, if I'd just walk away, or what I'd do if he asked for a second date. Then he asked me what I'd do if he farted.

I told him I'd probably crack a joke because I hate when things are awkward and laughter always lessens tension and sets a good mood. I told him I'd probably say something like "The food was THAT good huh?" Or if he farted, I'd say something like "Wow, were you that excited for this date with me that you couldn't hold in your excitement?"

Okay, honestly, I'd be a little taken aback, but I think I'm pretty easy going when it comes down to it.. well past the academic portion of my life. I enjoy a good laugh and a case of the sillies. I don't like when people can't be mature and serious though. That's what I mean by balance. Burping and farting happens; sometimes you just can't hold it in hahaha. It happens!

I told my friend that if my date consistently did it, I'd probably say something about it, but I wouldn't be like.. offended or anything. I think I'd be FAR more offended if he was my boyfriend or my husband and he burped or farted in front of my parents or something at the dinner table. I'd be pretty embarrassed of that. :S!

That is all for now, folks!
littleG

Update: Pres Weekend & Life In General

It's President's Day weekend, and I have had a TON of fun so far!
Friday: Hang out at my house. All Star weekend! Madden. Baking sugar cookies.
Saturday: ARC. Fujis. TV. Nap. TV. All Star dunk contest/obstacle course,etc. Dinner and dishes. Movie (end of Glory Road and Wildhogs).

"That was like Level 12 of Doom!"

"Don't look at me"
"Okay, Christina Aguilera"

"Who sings this song?"
"XXXXXXX"
"Let them sing it."

Sunday: Church. PSC126. Trampoline. Guitar. Nap. TV. All Star game. NUT10. Blogging. Shower....

___________________________________________________________________
Moving along to more substantial things:
1) I took the CBEST! I hope I passed...
2) I filed for graduation! I should graduate with 180.5 units. :)
3) I signed up for classes! EDU163, EDU115, EDU192 (hopefully), ENL3, MUS10, PHE lifetime fitness, PHE volleyball, and PHE archery!
4) I signed the lease for a 1-bd/bath for the coming year on Valentines Day!

I still can't believe I am graduating. I know I'm really nervous and I'm not ready, but I'm gonna stick it out and push forward. No time for regrets. I know I keep fluctuating back and forth from "no regrets. JUST DO IT." to "I am overwhelmed.. I quit. I can't do this."

I think that is all because I have a goal, but I get so tired and drained that I feel like I can't do it at the given moment. Then I set myself back on track after. I guess I really have to fight myself to stay on track. Like accountability, I guess, except I don't have a accountability partner.

I keep praying to God for help. I think I really learned the meaning of like.. "God will provide/deliver' past the cliche or just the phrase. Jesus is the light so I don't have to be. He lights my darkness.. and in times when I have no clue what to do, where to go, how to do things.. I just ask God for help. I don't expect an answer right away.. because I know I might be asking for the wrong thing at the wrong time. So on top of that, I ask for God to help me ask for the right things.. and to chase after his heart and His alone. It's really vague and stuff, but I like knowing that I can put my life and everything in it to God. I don't know how to say it, but I really think it's a cool thing. A really cool thing.

I start doing a lot of sharing by myself. It's weird that I like sharing by myself though. I feel more comfortable. There's less pressure I think, but the drawback is if the person asks something that I don't know, I don't have anyone to back me up or help me out. The beautiful thing is, I don't have a problem with admitting that I just don't know! I don't know all the answers. I'm not fluent in the Bible, but I just want to tell people about what I've found and how it has changed my life.

I look back at my life.. and I realize that I have changed very much in the course of my 3 years in college. In high school, I wasn't as nice, I was angrier, darker, more pessimistic... and now? I am nice (I hope!), more considerate, I know how to love more genuinely, I'm more tactful and caring. I am not angry at the world. I am not dark and suicidal as much as I used to be (maybe just a few times, but FAR better than before when it pervaded my mind 24/7). I am super more optimistic now! And I want to say that I'm happy! I'm a lot happier in general.

I've learned how to work with my stress. Set boundaries a little. I've worked on myself a lot in college (and I keep saying "a lot".. it's kind of annoying me). I've learned to speak out and be assertive. I've learned that being assertive doesn't mean aggressive and just because you speak your mind, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person! I'm learning to guard my heart and not let people take advantage of me if they have done it before.

I'm actually making good progress. It's slow and it takes patience, but I'm getting further and further every day. It's a good feeling when I can say "No" or not stressing out. Running helps me destress. You know what else I've foudn helps? When I get stressed out.. I take time to just sit and think about it.. and let it settle, then just do whatever I need to do to take care of it.
I just have to get past that "Overwhelming" point.. and take care of it. Making lists works really well with me because it feels good to cross out things. :)

It is well :]

i feel like i have a million and one things to take care of, and my anxiety isn't helping me cope.
i can calm myself if i take things one at a time, but living life like that gets to be unproductive and then it blows me into a fat major panic attack.

i need to get help- not just from God, but from a professional. i really gotta get myself to call and go do it. it's for me.. it's for my health. i'm sure God wants me to be sane and healthy enough to go out and let him use me for whatever He needs me to do.

i've been oversleeping for the past 2-3 weeks now, and in the beginning.. i thought it was just a transition from no coffee and working out more, but somehow, after 2 full weeks and some odd days, i'm beginning to think its more than that. there's something else going on, but i don't know what. something psychological, maybe its from stress. i'm pretty sure i'm not depressed right now, but i had my bout that one day. but its not ongoing, so i'm ruling that out.

it's just that 'to do list' effect i guess. lots of things to do, but nothing is ever accomplished. i need to be patient and more determined at the same time. i am neither of those things right now.

things on my mind
-working on myself/stress/anxiety
-going after God's heart, not mine
-apartment hunting (which slapped me in the face today)
- graduation
- grad school? // future plans// open ended// anxiety//nervousness//need internships//need job in order to pay FOR apartment and grad school

but i'm so tired that i can't do everything, but i need to if i wanna go grad school. money is important to me.

i'm scared. everyone tells me its normal, but i dont' know if it is. i want to cry. i feel really helpless and it makes me feel a lot worse when people tell me that 'everyone's like that who's apply//who's graduating". maybe, but how come they seem to handle it so well.. and i am not?
i wish i knew how to handle this all. i dont care about God putting all these thing in front of me, but i really wish i knew how to handle it all.

i want to grow in God, but i don't want to graduate anymore. really really.
i'm so scared. i'm scared that i fucked up my life and myself for nothing.
i just don't want everything that i did to come down to nothing.. to crash and burn.

i want to run 10 miles a day and lose 10 pounds along with it because feeling soreness and feeling my body give out on me gives me a sense of life. it makes me feel like i'm alive. and the pain i feel from it gives me a reason to justify my stress and everything i feel on the inside. somehow, it's strange, but somehow it is.

its some sick socially acceptable way of hurting myself, but i don't want to hurt myself. i just want my stress to go away. and that brings me back to the point i made before. i need to seek a professional. cause i hurt myself emotionally and physically by doing the things i do.

i need to learn when i've had enough.
there's so many things that i wanna do that i dont' know where to start. i need to start writing out hourly schedules of what to do. i need to piece my life back together.. and it's going to start with this honest post.

1) i need help
2) i need to not be in denial
3) i need to face my flaws and fix them (such as the hurting myself inadvertently by running.. i need to face my problems and not run away from them.. no pun intended)
4) i need to take care of myself

no one said it's going to be easy. and i know its not. cause i look at myself.. and i see myself struggling and drowning. i just gotta keep persisting and being brave.. i can't give up because i'll lose everything that i worked towards. even when i am losing it.. i need to be patient and remember it'll take time. Change won't come overnight.

right now, i'm going to write a list of what i need to do today, and this week and tape it on my bedroom wall. i will do this every week. i'm starting there. and i'll call a doctor soon. i just gotta clean my room first.

c'mon lg. you can be the Little Giant if you just keep at it.
c'mon lg. please, lg.


QP: dear God, thank you for rescuing me. i have nothing without you. i am nothing without you. please guide me. i am ready to follow. please help me let go and let your will be done. please help me be more patient so that i can see my purpose and my plan unfold. i'm after your heart. help me be after your heart alone. please help me through things and remind me daily that worrying will do nothing for me. help me stand when i fall, and help me to keep pushing. i'm yours. use me. amen.

It's Been Ten Days

10 days ago, I said I would reflect and make a change. I would take up my armor and fight. I would build walls with holes only big enough to let in what I wish.

10 days ago, I said I'd quietly pull back and think hard about things. Instead, I picked up my guitar and played and sang my heart out. It was a temporary fix that I don't regret, yet regret at the same time.

I have been really relaxed in the past two weeks. Nothing really stressed me out to the point of anxiety. Well, not that I recall, but maybe that is because I am being optimistic and excited for 2008. Then again, optimism maybe means the same thing as covering up secrets and making white lies. Or black lies, if there are such things.

Then it just hit me the same way I hit the light post when I went with FL to GAP last Tuesday to buy a scarf. A scarf we chose together that signified my patience, he said. No one likes shopping with him because he takes a long time. But I digress. It hit me all at once. Overwhelming, kinda like I was a driftwood particle being tossed in the silent sea. Or maybe quite like a misplaced cucumber slice in a Cobb salad.

It is jitters that get the best of me. Or the mentality. Or maybe even the thought of moving on. I can't believe I just turned 20. I can't believe that I am graduating in a mere 5 months and some days. When I say that I am knowledgeable about my future plans, I am lying. I say one thing to faces and doubt myself when I am not under the spotlight any longer. I know I'm nervous.. as is anyone.

I talked to my brother tonight really quick. I asked him if he was feeling jittery too, and he said something to the effect YES.. and of having a ton of things to do, but being distracted. I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I'm on the home stretch, but it's not that I can't finish the marathon--at this point in time, I really don't want to.

I have this crazy idea that I'm going to grad school to get a teaching credential.. then going on to get a degree in fashion design. I grabbed this volunteer packet from STA travel today while at the MU. Teaching, learning, being immersed in a culture that is not mine. How wonderful and delightful that would be. Really, it would. I'm not lying--my diction sounds sarcastic, but I am genuine. Wouldn't it be nice? Teach English in Costa Rica while rescuing crocodiles. Teach English in the Galapagos Islands while working and rehabilitating sea turtles.

I'm really beginning to question what I want to do. I don't want to jump into teaching.. I'm 20, graduating from college and graduating to the "real world" as I know it. I want to enjoy my life. I want to take my passions and make them real, not just ideals, hopes, and dreams. I want to turn my aspirations into reality--just as I want to teach my students to do when I start teaching..

I want to go abroad to international countries and reach out and use my passion for Jesus and teach all these people of what I've found. I want to share my story and the amazing things God has done for me. And I will one day do it, I don't care to need support; I don't care to be encouraged or pushed to share. No, I know I will do it. I can do it. God is on my side, and I want to teach more than 1st grade curriculum in life.

There's gotta be more to my life than just San Mateo, Davis, and Sacramento.
There HAS to be. I just know it.

I'm 20, but I have this insane idea.. that maybe, just maybe.. something big is in store for me. And I'm not alone in discovering it.. or conquering it.

I am taking the time to reflect on what you said, and you are right.

I just keep sitting here hurting myself. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But I need to know that I don't take advantage of God's grace as much as I do. I want to know that I am not being passive in my approach towards the world.

And what you told me was what my family told me before too. That I am different, but I'm scared because I don't want that my morals and convictions to be shot down the crapper because the "rest of the world" doesn't think like I do. I hope that the things I believe and the convictions I have.. are honestly going in the right direction and I'll pray and pray that I am going in the right direction with the right mindset.

It hurts because (yes, it is good to forgive) I never guard my heart. I throw myself in 100% into everything eyes closed, arms open. That is where I fail. Forgiving too fast and without repentance, wrong perspective... people taking advantage, but I let them take it. And so they do.

People can only take what you let them take, and I am stripped bare. Because I don't guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

I think I need to just pull back and really think about this all. I know you're right.. I know you're getting me in the right direction. I just need to make a play by play, write the rules of the game, and carry it out. People aren't going to change, and so I must. If I don't want things to be like this anymore, I have to change. I have to start guarding my heart.

I don't know where selfishness fits in here. I don't know where boundaries fit in. I'm going to tackle this, because I don't want to be like this anymore. Not for life. Not this time.

Some people are so inconsiderate and tactless! And others are selfish on top of that too!
Why is there never communication or even inklings of things being democratic?
It's not he says she says and it is so, you guys. You're not God. You don't get 7 days to create the world.

There is no accountability, no respect, and no communication.
and frankly, I've had enough.

Music and Lyrics

My winter break has been full of guitar and piano.
I look up guitar chords for songs and then play them on the guitar.. and I also play it on the piano after too. Singing while playing anything is distracting sometimes when you first learn a song, but you get the hang of it after a while.

I was playing and singing "Sunday Morning" on the piano one day, and Mom was so amazed at that. I don't really sing in front of people (even my parents). I don't know why.. I sing in front of my brother in the car when we're driving.. but that's it.

So it was kinda strange because my dad wanted to record me singing and playing some stuff. He likes recording and stuff. He's got a little psuedo-recording studio in the den. Hahaha. Props to him for chasing his passions. But I declined.. I'm not into being recorded.. because I'm hecka sucky at piano (now) and guitar.. and I'm not pro in singing either!

But after I came back from my mini-vacation to Davis, I was riding in the car with my family, and my brother commented that I should start writing my own songs. I started thinking about it... and that'd be really neat. I wouldn't have to share them.. I could just do it for fun.

...but I think making melodies and matching lyrics is hard.