Post of the Past

I wrote this May 09, 2007 and put it on private.. and I have just discovered it. I shall share:

'just push it push it for a few more days'
'lord god, give me strength' she prays
bam! shot down. mutilated and broken.
hypocritical. not following the words she's spoken
to others. she needs to take the advice she gave
her mind her body-- master and slave
clarity clarity conscience rang so true
when you're dead theres nothing that you can do.

she cant, she wont, she can't stop now
she cant, she wont, she don't know how.

she wants to be perfect thats her ideal
she wants to be kind, caring, genuine, and real
make up for everything shes not
overwhelmed with challenges, she stumbled, got caught.
accustomed to sorrow, to failure, to pain
pessimism got the best of her. 'you got nothing to gain'
years passed with this mindset. there are her downfalls
over the years, she gets too many wake up calls
the light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train
and death seemed sweeter than the sweetest sugar cane.

years pass. she wants the good to outweigh the bad
she gives up her time, her life, everything she's had.
positives. not negatives. failures are only bumps in the road
she worked at it, but always had this forebode-
ing feeling that it was 2 steps forward 10 steps back
life kept slipping through the crevices and cracks

now she runs. battery acid pumping through her veins
crashing cars, flying across five imaginary lanes.
out of control. she presses ctrl+z
and she sees how lucky she is to be alive, you see.
all the love she gave was given back
neverending love that cut no slack
unconditionally
by her own family

so she can, she will, she can stop now
she can, she will, she's willing to learn how
she can, she will, and she's gonna start now.

she's been walking down the tunnel towards that same glimmering light
it wasnt a freight train. it wasnt death. it was hope that everything would be alright.
it was just a glimpse of what she could be; just fight that fight
its attainable. she knows it now. and so her goods chase her bads into the night.

so she can, she will, she can stop now
she can, she will, she's willing to learn how
she can, she will, and she's gonna start now.

Sacrificial Love: Part II

Something Just Ain't Right
I have too much that I do not deserve.
When it comes down to it, I'll admit. My parents work hard and they are good savers. I don't really have to worry about money, but I'm not one of those kids who are born into the world with my life paved for me.

I don't WANT my life to be paved for me- I'm paving my own. And I don't want to become so sucked into this materialistic world that the value of my dollar decreases. I want it to be worth a million to me. Every exchange should be a well thought out trade-off. Economics 101. Don't buy stuff you don't need.. for real.

But sometimes money is on my mind. I quit my job.. and maybe because it's the Christmas season that I spend so much more.. but that's exactly what I hate about Christmas. Isn't Christmas about Jesus? I think Christmas lights are pretty.. I think real Christmas trees are beautiful and smell even more wonderful, but I don't need it. It goes to show how much we waste.. in time, money, and energy... towards things that are.. the worse choice. We waste so much electricity powering up Christmas lights, even if it's just one month out of 12. We kill so many trees that could be used for other paper goods. Sure, a fake tree isn't as authentic.. but hey.. global warming. Global heating. Even if you don't believe it.. what harm could it do to save a little?? It's your money from your pocket that pays for these ephemeral, aesthetic things.

When millions are suffering and dying in foreign countries, we are Hollywood and we have enough money to surgically beautify ourselves. When the news shows some of the realities of the world... VH1 and MTV promote petty drama and materialism. When there's people dying of hunger, we are sitting in our SUVs to buy burgers at a drive through.. and I really think that something is wrong. We need change... why don't we spend all this time, energy, and money.. on each other.

Why don't we spend it on LOVE??
Sacrificial Love: Part II
(Part I was on Dec21 if you would like to refresh your memory.)
Do you know what altruistic love it? I've been told that I possess this kind of love. It is putting others before yourself.. with a genuine concern for them. I'm not trying to promote myself. I am telling you observations that others have made of me. And this blog is where I am honest and open..because "those" cannot read it. I must say, I don't think I am like this all the time. I can think of many times where I put myself before others. But the basic idea is.. loving someone at the level where you know that loving them is a commitment, in which you must give up your time, money, and energy, yet you still continue through with the relationship.

As Hybels says, sacrificial love is great, but the biggest drawback is..dun dun DUN!!!: BURNOUT!

Those that know me.. probably associate me with this word. I haven't been brave enough (or smart enough for that matter) to draw my boundaries yet. I am beginning to, and it's not that bad! :) But Hybels says that people who are moral and well disciplined say although they are out of love, they are still going to give all that they have. That sounds a lot like me.

But honestly.. that's very commendable, but is that a good choice? Things people ask you to do become obligations. Acts of kindness become a bar to reach- a status quo that is ever increasing. Phone calls that cry for a listening ear become invaders.. intrusions of quiet time- time for YOURSELF to sit back, relax, and recharge.

I always describe burnout to Mom as "if I was a car, I started out with a full tank, but I'm out right now. And as much as I WANT to go ahead and keep going, I can't because I just have no fuel. I have no more fuel." I'm really glad Hybels brought up the empty tank idea. He brings up THREE types of tanks we have: Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical.

After reading this chapter, I realize that I'm struggling so badly because I'm completely out of ALL THREE.
Spiritual: I'm running a race again.. and it's a marathon. I can't bear to slow down because I feel like I'm being unproductive, but honestly.. sometimes doing NOTHING is the BEST thing to do. Constantly on the run doing this and that.. for this person and that person and for apps and for graduation, etc etc etc. It will never stop, but I can. I NEED to too! I need to do those quiet times... and just embrace that solitude. I need to be encouraged in God and take time to fuel up spiritually. Remember when Jesus would always go to the mountain and pray? Golgotha or what not. I need to take that 15 minutes. that 1 hr. whatever.

Emotional: Major life changes drain you emotionally. You got that right! Close friend diagnosed with cancer. Another getting over cancer. Graduating. Housemates. Relationships. Internships. Work. Academics. Grad school applications. Future decisions. Parents' health. I was faced with a LOT of big decisions this past qtr.. and I was drained emotionally.

Hybels tells of two ways to refuel emotionally: 1) RELAX!! 2) Recreation
1) I started doing this thing to try to help me relax before I sleep or if I am very high strung-- closing my eyes and listening to my breathing. Just focus on my breathing. It helps a little. What also helps to write it all out on paper or blogs. A third way is to pray. I'm doing really well with relaxing in proportion to the level of stress I am faced with at this current moment.
2) Recreation: Do what you LOVE DOING! I love running. I love boxing. I love doing arts and crafts. I love reading. I love working out. And I'm going to just DO THEM. I need it. That's what I will call "Me Time". No one can interfere with those things.

Physical: 1) Eat 2) Sleep 3)Exercise
I was pretty meh in all 3 areas. I'd say close to 40% F. This should be easy for me to take care of. Minimal coffee this qtr. More sleep. 2 PHE classes. :D I'm really trying, guys. I'm not kidding. I WANT THIS.

Never shall I give up my sacrificial love, despite my empty tanks. You can sacrifice AND take care of yourself to maximize effectiveness and efficiency. Balance. Don't have to give up your morals or your "me time".. see, lg?


Love sacrificially :),
lg, LG

Be Still: I Am Listening!

Dearest Little Girl,

I understand your anxiety and fear. I understand that you have a cyclical rounds of panic attacks. I saw you when you were filled with aggression, then with fear, then with regret. I saw you try to breathe and overcome them. I saw your makeup run as you tried to hold in your tears. I saw your frustration. I saw you try to swallow the little things and look past them.

No, it will not be easy. It is hurtful to yourself to be swearing and screaming in the car as you drive. I hear you plead to God. I hear all your prayers to God too. I hear you scream that you give up in your actions.. your desire for the drugs. Drugs may make them all stop, but will you be able to accomplish things for certain?

I ask of you to keep heart. Do what you must to release the pent up emotions you refuse to let the world know. No one ever said fighting disorders by yourself would be easy. You can go to the psychiatrist when you get back to Davis. Just take it one thing at a time, but I assure you that you WILL make it through. I know you know that you are under a huge amount of stress and that you are overwhelmed right now. Take a break. Shoot some hoops. Run some suicides. Do some situps. Box. Come back to it.

Don't force yourself. You're usually running a race in life. You need to be training for the marathon, but currently, you're backtracked into running a sprint. Don't run away from it. Take a deep breath and start again.

It's like Mom said to us: "You're very independent already. I don't have to take care of you at all: you can cook, you buy clothes and food for yourself. You study hard, you work hard, and you do well. When you fall, you don't need me to help you stand up. You stand up by yourself after a while. I am proud of you."

They will love you if you don't make it. Your friends won't leave you if you don't make it. Learn to love yourself, lg. Honestly.. you gotta learn to love yourself for WHO you are. It's good to try to be the best that you can be, but don't push yourself too hard. Don't overextend. Don't always set your expectations an unrealistic goals.. you're not loving yourself right now.

And when you feel that surge of energy and inspiration.. that glimpse of hope.. it is me, the Giant. I may be ephemeral and fleeting, but I am always here when you need me most. Trust in me.

You can do this lg. I believe in you,
LG


PS. I'm don't have multiple personalities- it is a metaphor. This is the way my mind pushes and pulls to rationalize and to help me inspire myself. This is what Mom meant by "you don't need me to help you stand". LG helps me stand when lg falls. LG is kinda like God (like Holy Spirit) or the mental/psychological/spiritual me... lg is me (the physical me).

"Sleepless in SM"

Dearest Giant,

I can't sleep and I'm positive that it's because I can't stop thinking. I need to just write to get it all out. I think I had a few quasi-panic attacks, but I don't even know anymore. I went to bed at 11pm tonight, feeling a tad helpless after working on my apps. There's 5 questions, all of which I just got either stumped on, or intimidated by- I lie, it's both.

I just want this so bad. I put a great deal of pressure on myself hoping I'll get it and in. In reality, I have no idea what my standing is. Maybe I shouldn't play this up because not getting accepted would be.. extra hard, to say the least.

I know I'm nervous, geez, I know I am. I'm not ready to get out there into the big world. I feel inferior.. I feel like I'm really incompetent. Okay, maybe I'm not actually incompetent, but I can't deny the fact that I feel that way.. I'm 19, almost 20. If all goes according to plan, I'll probably graduate from grad school or whatever further schooling I choose to do when I'm 22 1/2. I feel like as a teacher, I will have my students' parents think of me as incompetent. They will judge me harder and I know, I know I have to look past it, keep my chin up and keep marching.. but that's really just a facade. I'd be lying if I said I could do that with confidence. I'm intimidated- very much so.

Maybe all college graduates feel like this when they're about to graduate. This... restlessness, this anxiety, this unwarranted feeling of despair?? I really hope so. :\

I also feel tired of everything leading back to anxiety. Okay, so the doctor solidified my suspicions, but I don't want it to go back to it. I want to control it- I want to be BIGGER than it!! For real!!! I know it doesn't seem that way because I always "freak out" and spin out of control.. but in the back of my mind, I am sane. I am logical. I am still coherently thinking. I KNOW that I am overwhelmed when I have panic attacks. My real trouble isn't in that.. I don't see that necessarily as a problem. My real trouble is in getting rid of my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair, fear, etc etc etc. The trouble is dissipating those feelings and not let them hinder my forward progress.

So tonight, when I went to bed at 11pm, I had trouble sleeping. My mom opened my door to put my glasses on my dresser and it woke me up. That was at 12:59. I haven't been able to fall asleep since then. It's 3:47 right now. I got up to get some water and tried to sleep, but to no avail. And so I got up to write out everything that's dominating my mind.

Man... tonight, I prayed so hard that I cried! I didn't pray for God to help me write good essays. I prayed that he would help me see what His will is. Why do I say that? Because.. it's like what I said to Mom two nights ago during our talk: "All Fall Quarter.. I just wished for Winter Break to come. And now that it's here? I'm studying for the CBEST/CSET. I'm working on those applications... and I want to be with you guys. Spending time with you guys."

I want to be back at home to relax and spend quality time with my family. And I can't because I.messed.up. I made a mistake. I don't know how to fix it, but I want to (my mistake, that is). Because when I try to fix it by spending time with my family, I get panic attacks on a constant flow. One right after the other. In fact, I am currently mid-cycle. My mind is worrying about those things.. and I can't give my 100% to what's in front of me. I want that to stop, but I honestly don't know how [YET.]

I keep saying "After I finish this, I'll have so much time to spend with my family, my friends.." and all that is.. is a empty promise to myself. To them. And I regret that more than anything. I regret my choices and mistakes not really for the mistake itself, but for the consequences that I know I face.

And here I stand at so many forks in the road.. and I have to make decisions. I can make more empty promises or I can make amends. I choose to make amends. And there opens more decisions to make. How am I going to do it? Should I drop my goals and spend all my time on those that I love? I know if I did that.. I would inflict a HUGE amount of guilt on them and I know they wouldn't want that. So the key is: BALANCE, I guess.

I made the decision, but I'm not quite confident or well, even VAGUELY certain of myself. I don't believe it yet, but I'm willing to pray until God helps me believe it. Really. I want this to happen, but I have to learn to let go. I know that I am highly overwhelmed right now.. and unstable. I'm starting to become weary of myself and my fearful, anxious, and negative attitude. I am sure that others feel the same way towards me also, and that is valid. I understand and I apologize. I understand also that people may abandon me at this point in time because it's.. hard to be around me to listen to me.. to not have my full attention. I understand.

I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I feel like right now.. all I have is myself and God. God doesn't get impatient with me, He'll always be there to listen, He'll always be there to lean on.. and as corny and crummy as I sound, I honestly feel like that's all I have right now.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

So this is what I had decided tonight:
I am going back to Davis Dec26-Dec28 (maybe Dec29 morning). I am sacrificing 2.5 days with my family, but I talked with them and they support me in my decision. I am going back for 4 main reasons:

1) I forgot crucial things I need (such as more CLOTHES, maybe??? :S)
2) I need those papers I wrote for all my Education classes for inspiration on my apps.
3) I need my books and textbooks from my Education and UWP104D class to help me brainstorm and get ideas rolling so I can answer those questions on the apps.
4) I need my sleeping pills. (because I haven't had a good nights sleep since I got back- my mattress is... unbearably soft so I have a perpetual kink in my neck and bigger knots in my back- AND I keep waking up in the middle of the night every few hours)
5) I will have an undoubtedly and insanely quiet 2.5+ days to myself (4+ hrs of which will be driving, in which case I can think and process everything in my life of current) in my own house. There will be no brother drumming, no father strumming, and no relatives loudly chatting.

I NEED this. I need to hardcore outline and write stuff in those few days. I hope that this sacrifice of time with my family will prove productive. I hope that in due time, I will find inspiration and a good experience to write about under the jurisdiction of 500 max word counts. By this all, I hope that I can enjoy the rest of my winter vacation.. or at least how I envisioned it to be.

Bye,
lg. 4:04am

Building Character

Current Reads
I'm reading a book called 'Who You Are When No One's Looking'. It's about building character as opposed to reputation. It's only 113 pages in length, but I have been reading it for about 3 weeks, give or take.

See, it's not because I don't have time to read or because I am a slow reader. Each chapter is about 10 pages of amazing. It is a wealth of information. I love that Hybels puts examples of his own life into it to help illustrate what he means.

I recommend that you read it. It's a good one. Even if you don't care for the religious parts of it.. building your character is still something you should consider. I get a lot of inspiration from this book in my blogs.

I also really enjoy this book because as I read, I feel like.. it is a mirror for me. It shows me the things that I do.. that are on the correct path. It also shows me where I am weak and where I lack.. and those are the parts that I focus on. I don't really focus on what I do right because it's just.. defeating the purpose. Haha.

Sacrificial Love
I'm on the chapter about Sacrificial Love. That's what true love is.. I believe it too. Just read John 3:16. When Hybels says: "Love inevitably costs me something, usually the three commodities most precious to me -- my time, my energy, and my money."

I totally agree. Last year during Lent, when I decided to "give up my time", I realized that what I gave up was a lot more than just my time. I gave up my time, my energy, and a lot of my money. It took time to cook food and host dinner. It took time to write encouragements and meet with people. Love is sacrificial, but I don't really like thinking of it that way, even if it's true. I try to focus more on the love part rather than the sacrifice part.

And there's something that I realize. I will never be rich, because I give back whenever I can. I'm not trying to say I am 'oh so holy' or that I have such a 'great character'- not at all. I know that it sounds this way, but that's why I'm writing in this blog. Because I can write and be truly HONEST in my thoughts. This is my character.. this is who I am when no one's looking... AND when people are looking.


... I need to finish this later. I gotta work on Geometry.

not gonna

i don't want to live like this anymore.
i can't drink coffee or any stimulants anymore because they might induce my anxiety.
no coffee means that i can't be living off of 2 hrs of sleep and a cup of joe.

i need to take care of myself.
i know i can do this. i know i can. yeap

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

i saved this as private from july 11: it is what i tell myself/think when i am not strong enough... but need to be. Not Gonna... I'm not gonna let you tell me who I am or what I should do with my life. I'm not gonna care if I'm wrong and you're right. I'm not gonna blindly do as you say. I'm not gonna pave the roads that you paved. I'm not gonna accept answers. I only want more questions. I'm not gonna sit and regret every single one of my deeds. I'm not gonna expect for things to magically come my way. I'm not gonna hate, I'm gonna love. I'm not gonna be water. I'm not gonna seek my lowest point. I'm not gonna fall and not stand up. I'm not gonna fall and not stand up. whats that mean to me? it reminds me to be true to myself, to live life with no regrets, to do what's good not what's right, to be flexible, to be humble and face my consequences, to be optimistic, to be independent, to be assertive. it reminds me of what i believe in - my philosophies. it reminds me of my goals, to be determined, to fall down, brush it off, and stand up again. it gives me strength to know that inside i am a giant. big, medium, or little.. i am a giant. I AM A LITTLE GIANT, but a giant nonetheless. it is the most intense hunger i feel. one that feels like inside you there is the ferocity of a lion, the intelligence of a primate, the speed of a stallion, the persistence of a spider, the strength of an elephant...

Private - 6:32 PM - add eprops - add comments - edit it - email it

Everyone makes mistakes.
What matters is what happens next.


Don't make the same mistake twice.
To make the change, you gotta make the leap.
To get out of the dark, you must walk towards the light.