10 days ago, I said I would reflect and make a change. I would take up my armor and fight. I would build walls with holes only big enough to let in what I wish.
10 days ago, I said I'd quietly pull back and think hard about things. Instead, I picked up my guitar and played and sang my heart out. It was a temporary fix that I don't regret, yet regret at the same time.
I have been really relaxed in the past two weeks. Nothing really stressed me out to the point of anxiety. Well, not that I recall, but maybe that is because I am being optimistic and excited for 2008. Then again, optimism maybe means the same thing as covering up secrets and making white lies. Or black lies, if there are such things.
Then it just hit me the same way I hit the light post when I went with FL to GAP last Tuesday to buy a scarf. A scarf we chose together that signified my patience, he said. No one likes shopping with him because he takes a long time. But I digress. It hit me all at once. Overwhelming, kinda like I was a driftwood particle being tossed in the silent sea. Or maybe quite like a misplaced cucumber slice in a Cobb salad.
It is jitters that get the best of me. Or the mentality. Or maybe even the thought of moving on. I can't believe I just turned 20. I can't believe that I am graduating in a mere 5 months and some days. When I say that I am knowledgeable about my future plans, I am lying. I say one thing to faces and doubt myself when I am not under the spotlight any longer. I know I'm nervous.. as is anyone.
I talked to my brother tonight really quick. I asked him if he was feeling jittery too, and he said something to the effect YES.. and of having a ton of things to do, but being distracted. I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I'm on the home stretch, but it's not that I can't finish the marathon--at this point in time, I really don't want to.
I have this crazy idea that I'm going to grad school to get a teaching credential.. then going on to get a degree in fashion design. I grabbed this volunteer packet from STA travel today while at the MU. Teaching, learning, being immersed in a culture that is not mine. How wonderful and delightful that would be. Really, it would. I'm not lying--my diction sounds sarcastic, but I am genuine. Wouldn't it be nice? Teach English in Costa Rica while rescuing crocodiles. Teach English in the Galapagos Islands while working and rehabilitating sea turtles.
I'm really beginning to question what I want to do. I don't want to jump into teaching.. I'm 20, graduating from college and graduating to the "real world" as I know it. I want to enjoy my life. I want to take my passions and make them real, not just ideals, hopes, and dreams. I want to turn my aspirations into reality--just as I want to teach my students to do when I start teaching..
I want to go abroad to international countries and reach out and use my passion for Jesus and teach all these people of what I've found. I want to share my story and the amazing things God has done for me. And I will one day do it, I don't care to need support; I don't care to be encouraged or pushed to share. No, I know I will do it. I can do it. God is on my side, and I want to teach more than 1st grade curriculum in life.
There's gotta be more to my life than just San Mateo, Davis, and Sacramento.
There HAS to be. I just know it.
I'm 20, but I have this insane idea.. that maybe, just maybe.. something big is in store for me. And I'm not alone in discovering it.. or conquering it.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I am taking the time to reflect on what you said, and you are right.
I just keep sitting here hurting myself. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But I need to know that I don't take advantage of God's grace as much as I do. I want to know that I am not being passive in my approach towards the world.
And what you told me was what my family told me before too. That I am different, but I'm scared because I don't want that my morals and convictions to be shot down the crapper because the "rest of the world" doesn't think like I do. I hope that the things I believe and the convictions I have.. are honestly going in the right direction and I'll pray and pray that I am going in the right direction with the right mindset.
It hurts because (yes, it is good to forgive) I never guard my heart. I throw myself in 100% into everything eyes closed, arms open. That is where I fail. Forgiving too fast and without repentance, wrong perspective... people taking advantage, but I let them take it. And so they do.
People can only take what you let them take, and I am stripped bare. Because I don't guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
I think I need to just pull back and really think about this all. I know you're right.. I know you're getting me in the right direction. I just need to make a play by play, write the rules of the game, and carry it out. People aren't going to change, and so I must. If I don't want things to be like this anymore, I have to change. I have to start guarding my heart.
I don't know where selfishness fits in here. I don't know where boundaries fit in. I'm going to tackle this, because I don't want to be like this anymore. Not for life. Not this time.
I just keep sitting here hurting myself. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But I need to know that I don't take advantage of God's grace as much as I do. I want to know that I am not being passive in my approach towards the world.
And what you told me was what my family told me before too. That I am different, but I'm scared because I don't want that my morals and convictions to be shot down the crapper because the "rest of the world" doesn't think like I do. I hope that the things I believe and the convictions I have.. are honestly going in the right direction and I'll pray and pray that I am going in the right direction with the right mindset.
It hurts because (yes, it is good to forgive) I never guard my heart. I throw myself in 100% into everything eyes closed, arms open. That is where I fail. Forgiving too fast and without repentance, wrong perspective... people taking advantage, but I let them take it. And so they do.
People can only take what you let them take, and I am stripped bare. Because I don't guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
I think I need to just pull back and really think about this all. I know you're right.. I know you're getting me in the right direction. I just need to make a play by play, write the rules of the game, and carry it out. People aren't going to change, and so I must. If I don't want things to be like this anymore, I have to change. I have to start guarding my heart.
I don't know where selfishness fits in here. I don't know where boundaries fit in. I'm going to tackle this, because I don't want to be like this anymore. Not for life. Not this time.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Some people are so inconsiderate and tactless! And others are selfish on top of that too!
Why is there never communication or even inklings of things being democratic?
It's not he says she says and it is so, you guys. You're not God. You don't get 7 days to create the world.
There is no accountability, no respect, and no communication.
and frankly, I've had enough.
Why is there never communication or even inklings of things being democratic?
It's not he says she says and it is so, you guys. You're not God. You don't get 7 days to create the world.
There is no accountability, no respect, and no communication.
and frankly, I've had enough.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Music and Lyrics
My winter break has been full of guitar and piano.
I look up guitar chords for songs and then play them on the guitar.. and I also play it on the piano after too. Singing while playing anything is distracting sometimes when you first learn a song, but you get the hang of it after a while.
I was playing and singing "Sunday Morning" on the piano one day, and Mom was so amazed at that. I don't really sing in front of people (even my parents). I don't know why.. I sing in front of my brother in the car when we're driving.. but that's it.
So it was kinda strange because my dad wanted to record me singing and playing some stuff. He likes recording and stuff. He's got a little psuedo-recording studio in the den. Hahaha. Props to him for chasing his passions. But I declined.. I'm not into being recorded.. because I'm hecka sucky at piano (now) and guitar.. and I'm not pro in singing either!
But after I came back from my mini-vacation to Davis, I was riding in the car with my family, and my brother commented that I should start writing my own songs. I started thinking about it... and that'd be really neat. I wouldn't have to share them.. I could just do it for fun.
...but I think making melodies and matching lyrics is hard.
I look up guitar chords for songs and then play them on the guitar.. and I also play it on the piano after too. Singing while playing anything is distracting sometimes when you first learn a song, but you get the hang of it after a while.
I was playing and singing "Sunday Morning" on the piano one day, and Mom was so amazed at that. I don't really sing in front of people (even my parents). I don't know why.. I sing in front of my brother in the car when we're driving.. but that's it.
So it was kinda strange because my dad wanted to record me singing and playing some stuff. He likes recording and stuff. He's got a little psuedo-recording studio in the den. Hahaha. Props to him for chasing his passions. But I declined.. I'm not into being recorded.. because I'm hecka sucky at piano (now) and guitar.. and I'm not pro in singing either!
But after I came back from my mini-vacation to Davis, I was riding in the car with my family, and my brother commented that I should start writing my own songs. I started thinking about it... and that'd be really neat. I wouldn't have to share them.. I could just do it for fun.
...but I think making melodies and matching lyrics is hard.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Post of the Past
I wrote this May 09, 2007 and put it on private.. and I have just discovered it. I shall share:
'just push it push it for a few more days'
'lord god, give me strength' she prays
bam! shot down. mutilated and broken.
hypocritical. not following the words she's spoken
to others. she needs to take the advice she gave
her mind her body-- master and slave
clarity clarity conscience rang so true
when you're dead theres nothing that you can do.
she cant, she wont, she can't stop now
she cant, she wont, she don't know how.
she wants to be perfect thats her ideal
she wants to be kind, caring, genuine, and real
make up for everything shes not
overwhelmed with challenges, she stumbled, got caught.
accustomed to sorrow, to failure, to pain
pessimism got the best of her. 'you got nothing to gain'
years passed with this mindset. there are her downfalls
over the years, she gets too many wake up calls
the light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train
and death seemed sweeter than the sweetest sugar cane.
years pass. she wants the good to outweigh the bad
she gives up her time, her life, everything she's had.
positives. not negatives. failures are only bumps in the road
she worked at it, but always had this forebode-
ing feeling that it was 2 steps forward 10 steps back
life kept slipping through the crevices and cracks
now she runs. battery acid pumping through her veins
crashing cars, flying across five imaginary lanes.
out of control. she presses ctrl+z
and she sees how lucky she is to be alive, you see.
all the love she gave was given back
neverending love that cut no slack
unconditionally
by her own family
so she can, she will, she can stop now
she can, she will, she's willing to learn how
she can, she will, and she's gonna start now.
she's been walking down the tunnel towards that same glimmering light
it wasnt a freight train. it wasnt death. it was hope that everything would be alright.
it was just a glimpse of what she could be; just fight that fight
its attainable. she knows it now. and so her goods chase her bads into the night.
so she can, she will, she can stop now
she can, she will, she's willing to learn how
she can, she will, and she's gonna start now.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sacrificial Love: Part II
Something Just Ain't Right
I have too much that I do not deserve.
When it comes down to it, I'll admit. My parents work hard and they are good savers. I don't really have to worry about money, but I'm not one of those kids who are born into the world with my life paved for me.
I don't WANT my life to be paved for me- I'm paving my own. And I don't want to become so sucked into this materialistic world that the value of my dollar decreases. I want it to be worth a million to me. Every exchange should be a well thought out trade-off. Economics 101. Don't buy stuff you don't need.. for real.
But sometimes money is on my mind. I quit my job.. and maybe because it's the Christmas season that I spend so much more.. but that's exactly what I hate about Christmas. Isn't Christmas about Jesus? I think Christmas lights are pretty.. I think real Christmas trees are beautiful and smell even more wonderful, but I don't need it. It goes to show how much we waste.. in time, money, and energy... towards things that are.. the worse choice. We waste so much electricity powering up Christmas lights, even if it's just one month out of 12. We kill so many trees that could be used for other paper goods. Sure, a fake tree isn't as authentic.. but hey.. global warming. Global heating. Even if you don't believe it.. what harm could it do to save a little?? It's your money from your pocket that pays for these ephemeral, aesthetic things.
When millions are suffering and dying in foreign countries, we are Hollywood and we have enough money to surgically beautify ourselves. When the news shows some of the realities of the world... VH1 and MTV promote petty drama and materialism. When there's people dying of hunger, we are sitting in our SUVs to buy burgers at a drive through.. and I really think that something is wrong. We need change... why don't we spend all this time, energy, and money.. on each other.
Why don't we spend it on LOVE??
Sacrificial Love: Part II
(Part I was on Dec21 if you would like to refresh your memory.)
Do you know what altruistic love it? I've been told that I possess this kind of love. It is putting others before yourself.. with a genuine concern for them. I'm not trying to promote myself. I am telling you observations that others have made of me. And this blog is where I am honest and open..because "those" cannot read it. I must say, I don't think I am like this all the time. I can think of many times where I put myself before others. But the basic idea is.. loving someone at the level where you know that loving them is a commitment, in which you must give up your time, money, and energy, yet you still continue through with the relationship.
As Hybels says, sacrificial love is great, but the biggest drawback is..dun dun DUN!!!: BURNOUT!
Those that know me.. probably associate me with this word. I haven't been brave enough (or smart enough for that matter) to draw my boundaries yet. I am beginning to, and it's not that bad! :) But Hybels says that people who are moral and well disciplined say although they are out of love, they are still going to give all that they have. That sounds a lot like me.
But honestly.. that's very commendable, but is that a good choice? Things people ask you to do become obligations. Acts of kindness become a bar to reach- a status quo that is ever increasing. Phone calls that cry for a listening ear become invaders.. intrusions of quiet time- time for YOURSELF to sit back, relax, and recharge.
I always describe burnout to Mom as "if I was a car, I started out with a full tank, but I'm out right now. And as much as I WANT to go ahead and keep going, I can't because I just have no fuel. I have no more fuel." I'm really glad Hybels brought up the empty tank idea. He brings up THREE types of tanks we have: Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical.
After reading this chapter, I realize that I'm struggling so badly because I'm completely out of ALL THREE.
Spiritual: I'm running a race again.. and it's a marathon. I can't bear to slow down because I feel like I'm being unproductive, but honestly.. sometimes doing NOTHING is the BEST thing to do. Constantly on the run doing this and that.. for this person and that person and for apps and for graduation, etc etc etc. It will never stop, but I can. I NEED to too! I need to do those quiet times... and just embrace that solitude. I need to be encouraged in God and take time to fuel up spiritually. Remember when Jesus would always go to the mountain and pray? Golgotha or what not. I need to take that 15 minutes. that 1 hr. whatever.
Emotional: Major life changes drain you emotionally. You got that right! Close friend diagnosed with cancer. Another getting over cancer. Graduating. Housemates. Relationships. Internships. Work. Academics. Grad school applications. Future decisions. Parents' health. I was faced with a LOT of big decisions this past qtr.. and I was drained emotionally.
Hybels tells of two ways to refuel emotionally: 1) RELAX!! 2) Recreation
1) I started doing this thing to try to help me relax before I sleep or if I am very high strung-- closing my eyes and listening to my breathing. Just focus on my breathing. It helps a little. What also helps to write it all out on paper or blogs. A third way is to pray. I'm doing really well with relaxing in proportion to the level of stress I am faced with at this current moment.
2) Recreation: Do what you LOVE DOING! I love running. I love boxing. I love doing arts and crafts. I love reading. I love working out. And I'm going to just DO THEM. I need it. That's what I will call "Me Time". No one can interfere with those things.
Physical: 1) Eat 2) Sleep 3)Exercise
I was pretty meh in all 3 areas. I'd say close to 40% F. This should be easy for me to take care of. Minimal coffee this qtr. More sleep. 2 PHE classes. :D I'm really trying, guys. I'm not kidding. I WANT THIS.
Never shall I give up my sacrificial love, despite my empty tanks. You can sacrifice AND take care of yourself to maximize effectiveness and efficiency. Balance. Don't have to give up your morals or your "me time".. see, lg?
Love sacrificially :),
lg, LG
I have too much that I do not deserve.
When it comes down to it, I'll admit. My parents work hard and they are good savers. I don't really have to worry about money, but I'm not one of those kids who are born into the world with my life paved for me.
I don't WANT my life to be paved for me- I'm paving my own. And I don't want to become so sucked into this materialistic world that the value of my dollar decreases. I want it to be worth a million to me. Every exchange should be a well thought out trade-off. Economics 101. Don't buy stuff you don't need.. for real.
But sometimes money is on my mind. I quit my job.. and maybe because it's the Christmas season that I spend so much more.. but that's exactly what I hate about Christmas. Isn't Christmas about Jesus? I think Christmas lights are pretty.. I think real Christmas trees are beautiful and smell even more wonderful, but I don't need it. It goes to show how much we waste.. in time, money, and energy... towards things that are.. the worse choice. We waste so much electricity powering up Christmas lights, even if it's just one month out of 12. We kill so many trees that could be used for other paper goods. Sure, a fake tree isn't as authentic.. but hey.. global warming. Global heating. Even if you don't believe it.. what harm could it do to save a little?? It's your money from your pocket that pays for these ephemeral, aesthetic things.
When millions are suffering and dying in foreign countries, we are Hollywood and we have enough money to surgically beautify ourselves. When the news shows some of the realities of the world... VH1 and MTV promote petty drama and materialism. When there's people dying of hunger, we are sitting in our SUVs to buy burgers at a drive through.. and I really think that something is wrong. We need change... why don't we spend all this time, energy, and money.. on each other.
Why don't we spend it on LOVE??
Sacrificial Love: Part II
(Part I was on Dec21 if you would like to refresh your memory.)
Do you know what altruistic love it? I've been told that I possess this kind of love. It is putting others before yourself.. with a genuine concern for them. I'm not trying to promote myself. I am telling you observations that others have made of me. And this blog is where I am honest and open..because "those" cannot read it. I must say, I don't think I am like this all the time. I can think of many times where I put myself before others. But the basic idea is.. loving someone at the level where you know that loving them is a commitment, in which you must give up your time, money, and energy, yet you still continue through with the relationship.
As Hybels says, sacrificial love is great, but the biggest drawback is..dun dun DUN!!!: BURNOUT!
Those that know me.. probably associate me with this word. I haven't been brave enough (or smart enough for that matter) to draw my boundaries yet. I am beginning to, and it's not that bad! :) But Hybels says that people who are moral and well disciplined say although they are out of love, they are still going to give all that they have. That sounds a lot like me.
But honestly.. that's very commendable, but is that a good choice? Things people ask you to do become obligations. Acts of kindness become a bar to reach- a status quo that is ever increasing. Phone calls that cry for a listening ear become invaders.. intrusions of quiet time- time for YOURSELF to sit back, relax, and recharge.
I always describe burnout to Mom as "if I was a car, I started out with a full tank, but I'm out right now. And as much as I WANT to go ahead and keep going, I can't because I just have no fuel. I have no more fuel." I'm really glad Hybels brought up the empty tank idea. He brings up THREE types of tanks we have: Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical.
After reading this chapter, I realize that I'm struggling so badly because I'm completely out of ALL THREE.
Spiritual: I'm running a race again.. and it's a marathon. I can't bear to slow down because I feel like I'm being unproductive, but honestly.. sometimes doing NOTHING is the BEST thing to do. Constantly on the run doing this and that.. for this person and that person and for apps and for graduation, etc etc etc. It will never stop, but I can. I NEED to too! I need to do those quiet times... and just embrace that solitude. I need to be encouraged in God and take time to fuel up spiritually. Remember when Jesus would always go to the mountain and pray? Golgotha or what not. I need to take that 15 minutes. that 1 hr. whatever.
Emotional: Major life changes drain you emotionally. You got that right! Close friend diagnosed with cancer. Another getting over cancer. Graduating. Housemates. Relationships. Internships. Work. Academics. Grad school applications. Future decisions. Parents' health. I was faced with a LOT of big decisions this past qtr.. and I was drained emotionally.
Hybels tells of two ways to refuel emotionally: 1) RELAX!! 2) Recreation
1) I started doing this thing to try to help me relax before I sleep or if I am very high strung-- closing my eyes and listening to my breathing. Just focus on my breathing. It helps a little. What also helps to write it all out on paper or blogs. A third way is to pray. I'm doing really well with relaxing in proportion to the level of stress I am faced with at this current moment.
2) Recreation: Do what you LOVE DOING! I love running. I love boxing. I love doing arts and crafts. I love reading. I love working out. And I'm going to just DO THEM. I need it. That's what I will call "Me Time". No one can interfere with those things.
Physical: 1) Eat 2) Sleep 3)Exercise
I was pretty meh in all 3 areas. I'd say close to 40% F. This should be easy for me to take care of. Minimal coffee this qtr. More sleep. 2 PHE classes. :D I'm really trying, guys. I'm not kidding. I WANT THIS.
Never shall I give up my sacrificial love, despite my empty tanks. You can sacrifice AND take care of yourself to maximize effectiveness and efficiency. Balance. Don't have to give up your morals or your "me time".. see, lg?
Love sacrificially :),
lg, LG
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Be Still: I Am Listening!
Dearest Little Girl,
I understand your anxiety and fear. I understand that you have a cyclical rounds of panic attacks. I saw you when you were filled with aggression, then with fear, then with regret. I saw you try to breathe and overcome them. I saw your makeup run as you tried to hold in your tears. I saw your frustration. I saw you try to swallow the little things and look past them.
No, it will not be easy. It is hurtful to yourself to be swearing and screaming in the car as you drive. I hear you plead to God. I hear all your prayers to God too. I hear you scream that you give up in your actions.. your desire for the drugs. Drugs may make them all stop, but will you be able to accomplish things for certain?
I ask of you to keep heart. Do what you must to release the pent up emotions you refuse to let the world know. No one ever said fighting disorders by yourself would be easy. You can go to the psychiatrist when you get back to Davis. Just take it one thing at a time, but I assure you that you WILL make it through. I know you know that you are under a huge amount of stress and that you are overwhelmed right now. Take a break. Shoot some hoops. Run some suicides. Do some situps. Box. Come back to it.
Don't force yourself. You're usually running a race in life. You need to be training for the marathon, but currently, you're backtracked into running a sprint. Don't run away from it. Take a deep breath and start again.
It's like Mom said to us: "You're very independent already. I don't have to take care of you at all: you can cook, you buy clothes and food for yourself. You study hard, you work hard, and you do well. When you fall, you don't need me to help you stand up. You stand up by yourself after a while. I am proud of you."
They will love you if you don't make it. Your friends won't leave you if you don't make it. Learn to love yourself, lg. Honestly.. you gotta learn to love yourself for WHO you are. It's good to try to be the best that you can be, but don't push yourself too hard. Don't overextend. Don't always set your expectations an unrealistic goals.. you're not loving yourself right now.
And when you feel that surge of energy and inspiration.. that glimpse of hope.. it is me, the Giant. I may be ephemeral and fleeting, but I am always here when you need me most. Trust in me.
You can do this lg. I believe in you,
LG
PS. I'm don't have multiple personalities- it is a metaphor. This is the way my mind pushes and pulls to rationalize and to help me inspire myself. This is what Mom meant by "you don't need me to help you stand". LG helps me stand when lg falls. LG is kinda like God (like Holy Spirit) or the mental/psychological/spiritual me... lg is me (the physical me).
I understand your anxiety and fear. I understand that you have a cyclical rounds of panic attacks. I saw you when you were filled with aggression, then with fear, then with regret. I saw you try to breathe and overcome them. I saw your makeup run as you tried to hold in your tears. I saw your frustration. I saw you try to swallow the little things and look past them.
No, it will not be easy. It is hurtful to yourself to be swearing and screaming in the car as you drive. I hear you plead to God. I hear all your prayers to God too. I hear you scream that you give up in your actions.. your desire for the drugs. Drugs may make them all stop, but will you be able to accomplish things for certain?
I ask of you to keep heart. Do what you must to release the pent up emotions you refuse to let the world know. No one ever said fighting disorders by yourself would be easy. You can go to the psychiatrist when you get back to Davis. Just take it one thing at a time, but I assure you that you WILL make it through. I know you know that you are under a huge amount of stress and that you are overwhelmed right now. Take a break. Shoot some hoops. Run some suicides. Do some situps. Box. Come back to it.
Don't force yourself. You're usually running a race in life. You need to be training for the marathon, but currently, you're backtracked into running a sprint. Don't run away from it. Take a deep breath and start again.
It's like Mom said to us: "You're very independent already. I don't have to take care of you at all: you can cook, you buy clothes and food for yourself. You study hard, you work hard, and you do well. When you fall, you don't need me to help you stand up. You stand up by yourself after a while. I am proud of you."
They will love you if you don't make it. Your friends won't leave you if you don't make it. Learn to love yourself, lg. Honestly.. you gotta learn to love yourself for WHO you are. It's good to try to be the best that you can be, but don't push yourself too hard. Don't overextend. Don't always set your expectations an unrealistic goals.. you're not loving yourself right now.
And when you feel that surge of energy and inspiration.. that glimpse of hope.. it is me, the Giant. I may be ephemeral and fleeting, but I am always here when you need me most. Trust in me.
You can do this lg. I believe in you,
LG
PS. I'm don't have multiple personalities- it is a metaphor. This is the way my mind pushes and pulls to rationalize and to help me inspire myself. This is what Mom meant by "you don't need me to help you stand". LG helps me stand when lg falls. LG is kinda like God (like Holy Spirit) or the mental/psychological/spiritual me... lg is me (the physical me).
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