I got into graduate school.. and I'm probably going.
I just graduated in 3 years.
I just ended my undergraduate career with a 3.88 (the BEST GPA I have had in college).
I'm going to Europe for about 37 days. Who gets to do that for so long?
And yet, there's this void and emptiness. It seems like I have everything going for me. You might think that I'm ungrateful since I have all this, and I'm not happy. Well, I'm not UNhappy. I'm just sad and nostalgic. I have most of that stuff because I worked really hard, and that's not to be bigheaded. I really did work for it. But I think I really regret working so hard for it because I know other things are more important in life.
I feel bad that I feel empty, but I can't deny that I do. It makes me wonder where I place God in my life. My life shouldn't feel lonely and empty with God in my life, so why does it? Actually, honestly? I think I feel empty because I don't trust God right now. I don't see where His plan meets with mine or whatever. I'm in a transitional stage of my life and I'm not trusting God to pull me through.. and I really need to be trusting.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
I wrote this as a reminder of what I dislike about myself so I can do better.
I have no faith in myself.
I do not know how intelligent I am.
I do not know what I am capable of.
I blame myself.
I regret too much and too often.
I am stubborn and inflexible.
I am secretive.
I have high expectations for myself and others.
I am easily disappointed.
I am passive.
I am scared of confrontation.
I let others take advantage of me.
I complain.
I can get annoying.
I get stressed out easily.
I don't know how to handle things when I am stressed out.
I miss the big picture.
I don't take care of myself and it worries other people.
I am easily broken and discouraged.
I struggle with a lot of problems.
I struggle with an eating disorder.
I struggle with anxiety and panic disorder.
I struggled with depression.
I swear a lot.
I don't like people to know about me so I lie and put on a phony exterior.
I lie about important things because I don't want to deal with them.
I use jokes to speak, but my just kidding means I'm too scared to really say it.
I care about others more than I take care of myself.
I lie because I don't want you to know what is really going on inside because I think I'm screwed up and I don't want you to know.. because I wish it wasn't true.
I have no faith in myself.
I do not know how intelligent I am.
I do not know what I am capable of.
I blame myself.
I regret too much and too often.
I am stubborn and inflexible.
I am secretive.
I have high expectations for myself and others.
I am easily disappointed.
I am passive.
I am scared of confrontation.
I let others take advantage of me.
I complain.
I can get annoying.
I get stressed out easily.
I don't know how to handle things when I am stressed out.
I miss the big picture.
I don't take care of myself and it worries other people.
I am easily broken and discouraged.
I struggle with a lot of problems.
I struggle with an eating disorder.
I struggle with anxiety and panic disorder.
I struggled with depression.
I swear a lot.
I don't like people to know about me so I lie and put on a phony exterior.
I lie about important things because I don't want to deal with them.
I use jokes to speak, but my just kidding means I'm too scared to really say it.
I care about others more than I take care of myself.
I lie because I don't want you to know what is really going on inside because I think I'm screwed up and I don't want you to know.. because I wish it wasn't true.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
most of the time.. i don't say anything when i do nice things because i don't want appreciation or recognition (i want to try to be as selfless as i can possibly be- think phoebe from Friends).
but i really hate it when i'm nice and i get owned by it!!!! i hate it when people get defensive at things that i say when they have NO REASON to be. i seriously dont think that i give them reason to! i think i'm pretty nice in general.. even when i'm angry. i'm honest when i'm angry. if i don't want to talk to you, i'll tell you. i hate talking to people when i'm angry.. and hate it more that they talk to me when they're angry.
but sometimes i do nice things for ppl and dont tell them and they get angry at me. they fight unfair. i hate when i call people out and they say something like.. "well YOU do this this this." okay, maybe i'm guilty of it too, but not to the extent that some people do it. i'll work on it too. really, i will.
and no, i'm not just talking about one person. its like.. everyone. i hate when people are tactless and dont know that they me when i am just being kind. i hate it a lot when people hit my achilles heel ... like say things where they KNOW it'll hurt. and that happens a lot.
just cause i dont look angry or hurt doesn't mean i'm NOT. :( booo on you all.
ps. tell me if i do this too. i want to know and change.
but i really hate it when i'm nice and i get owned by it!!!! i hate it when people get defensive at things that i say when they have NO REASON to be. i seriously dont think that i give them reason to! i think i'm pretty nice in general.. even when i'm angry. i'm honest when i'm angry. if i don't want to talk to you, i'll tell you. i hate talking to people when i'm angry.. and hate it more that they talk to me when they're angry.
but sometimes i do nice things for ppl and dont tell them and they get angry at me. they fight unfair. i hate when i call people out and they say something like.. "well YOU do this this this." okay, maybe i'm guilty of it too, but not to the extent that some people do it. i'll work on it too. really, i will.
and no, i'm not just talking about one person. its like.. everyone. i hate when people are tactless and dont know that they me when i am just being kind. i hate it a lot when people hit my achilles heel ... like say things where they KNOW it'll hurt. and that happens a lot.
just cause i dont look angry or hurt doesn't mean i'm NOT. :( booo on you all.
ps. tell me if i do this too. i want to know and change.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Hello Everyone!
First of all CONGRATULATIONS on being recommended for admission to the UC Davis Teaching Credential Program! You should/will be receiving an email from graduate studies, hopefully within 2 weeks with notification of your admission.
The new student orientation for you is scheduled for Friday, May 9th from 5-7pm. Please see the attached information for more details.
...anticipation blows hard.
First of all CONGRATULATIONS on being recommended for admission to the UC Davis Teaching Credential Program! You should/will be receiving an email from graduate studies, hopefully within 2 weeks with notification of your admission.
The new student orientation for you is scheduled for Friday, May 9th from 5-7pm. Please see the attached information for more details.
...anticipation blows hard.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
It all boils down to tomorrow! 5pm and all the effort (the procrastinated effort) that I have put into this application will be sent electronically to the UCD School of Education. Wish me luck! :)
psc extra credit, nut 10 extra credit, 3 critiques, exb mt, rfl signup
read manuscripts and work on nut10 tonight!
psc extra credit, nut 10 extra credit, 3 critiques, exb mt, rfl signup
read manuscripts and work on nut10 tonight!
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Goals
Thursday 2/21
Finish SOP and Internship Hours
Friday 2/22
Leslie signature
Print CTC paper and turn in CTC and IH
Turn in SOP at SHall
PSC126 Ch 6, 2, and 14
Saturday 2/23
Resume and Qualities
Personal History Statement
Sunday 2/24
PSC126 Ch 7 and 11
Finish SOP and Internship Hours
Friday 2/22
Leslie signature
Print CTC paper and turn in CTC and IH
Turn in SOP at SHall
PSC126 Ch 6, 2, and 14
Saturday 2/23
Resume and Qualities
Personal History Statement
Sunday 2/24
PSC126 Ch 7 and 11
Monday, February 18, 2008
HIYO!
I kinda neglected this blog! Maybe I wasn't quite ready to post something substantial.. because this blog is the REAL DEAL for me.
I'm pretty beat and stressed out with graduating and grad apps, and returning to work.. along with juggling school. I think I'm like.. chronically fatigued. I work out like everyday basically.. and it makes me feel really good! I don't really get sore or anything; I probably get more tired than anything. I don't know though.. I hear that it's good to exercise, but I feel MORE tired! than energized! I'm eating a lot more though, which is pretty good for me cause I struggle with eating enough.
I'm just gonna sit down and make the most of my downtime. I've decided on it. Please help me keep accountability! This week is the week! Gonna do it justice!
I like when people are balanced. My brother is pretty balanced. I envy his ability to juggle things and get on with disappointments.
I was talking to a friend the other day and 'crying' came up inadI have seen guys cry before. Four to be exact, but I have never once thought of them as pansies or girly. If anything, it totally made them manlier. Well maybe because these were people that I knew pretty well, and I think it's... a sign that hey, they have like.. idk. They're the same as anyone else. I don't know. I saw my dad tear up before.. and I was really touched. My dad is the manliest man I know. He's a monster. A beast, I tell you! He can take so much pain.. he doesn't back down or give up. He works hard, and tries everything. I've always thought he was fearless. I've honestly never seen him scared before in all my 20 years. But the one time I saw him tear up.. I felt it in my throat, in my eyes, in my stomach.. it went straight through me.. and it hurt to see it.
It just reminds me of double standards. I think it's perfectly find for a guy to cry, and no, I don't think less of people. Who am I to judge? I think I'm pretty accepting when it comes to things like that.
Today, I had a late lunch with two friends, and one of them asked me if my date burped at dinner, if I'd just walk away, or what I'd do if he asked for a second date. Then he asked me what I'd do if he farted.
I told him I'd probably crack a joke because I hate when things are awkward and laughter always lessens tension and sets a good mood. I told him I'd probably say something like "The food was THAT good huh?" Or if he farted, I'd say something like "Wow, were you that excited for this date with me that you couldn't hold in your excitement?"
Okay, honestly, I'd be a little taken aback, but I think I'm pretty easy going when it comes down to it.. well past the academic portion of my life. I enjoy a good laugh and a case of the sillies. I don't like when people can't be mature and serious though. That's what I mean by balance. Burping and farting happens; sometimes you just can't hold it in hahaha. It happens!
I told my friend that if my date consistently did it, I'd probably say something about it, but I wouldn't be like.. offended or anything. I think I'd be FAR more offended if he was my boyfriend or my husband and he burped or farted in front of my parents or something at the dinner table. I'd be pretty embarrassed of that. :S!
That is all for now, folks!
littleG
I'm pretty beat and stressed out with graduating and grad apps, and returning to work.. along with juggling school. I think I'm like.. chronically fatigued. I work out like everyday basically.. and it makes me feel really good! I don't really get sore or anything; I probably get more tired than anything. I don't know though.. I hear that it's good to exercise, but I feel MORE tired! than energized! I'm eating a lot more though, which is pretty good for me cause I struggle with eating enough.
I'm just gonna sit down and make the most of my downtime. I've decided on it. Please help me keep accountability! This week is the week! Gonna do it justice!
I like when people are balanced. My brother is pretty balanced. I envy his ability to juggle things and get on with disappointments.
I was talking to a friend the other day and 'crying' came up inadI have seen guys cry before. Four to be exact, but I have never once thought of them as pansies or girly. If anything, it totally made them manlier. Well maybe because these were people that I knew pretty well, and I think it's... a sign that hey, they have like.. idk. They're the same as anyone else. I don't know. I saw my dad tear up before.. and I was really touched. My dad is the manliest man I know. He's a monster. A beast, I tell you! He can take so much pain.. he doesn't back down or give up. He works hard, and tries everything. I've always thought he was fearless. I've honestly never seen him scared before in all my 20 years. But the one time I saw him tear up.. I felt it in my throat, in my eyes, in my stomach.. it went straight through me.. and it hurt to see it.
It just reminds me of double standards. I think it's perfectly find for a guy to cry, and no, I don't think less of people. Who am I to judge? I think I'm pretty accepting when it comes to things like that.
Today, I had a late lunch with two friends, and one of them asked me if my date burped at dinner, if I'd just walk away, or what I'd do if he asked for a second date. Then he asked me what I'd do if he farted.
I told him I'd probably crack a joke because I hate when things are awkward and laughter always lessens tension and sets a good mood. I told him I'd probably say something like "The food was THAT good huh?" Or if he farted, I'd say something like "Wow, were you that excited for this date with me that you couldn't hold in your excitement?"
Okay, honestly, I'd be a little taken aback, but I think I'm pretty easy going when it comes down to it.. well past the academic portion of my life. I enjoy a good laugh and a case of the sillies. I don't like when people can't be mature and serious though. That's what I mean by balance. Burping and farting happens; sometimes you just can't hold it in hahaha. It happens!
I told my friend that if my date consistently did it, I'd probably say something about it, but I wouldn't be like.. offended or anything. I think I'd be FAR more offended if he was my boyfriend or my husband and he burped or farted in front of my parents or something at the dinner table. I'd be pretty embarrassed of that. :S!
That is all for now, folks!
littleG
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Update: Pres Weekend & Life In General
It's President's Day weekend, and I have had a TON of fun so far!
Friday: Hang out at my house. All Star weekend! Madden. Baking sugar cookies.
Saturday: ARC. Fujis. TV. Nap. TV. All Star dunk contest/obstacle course,etc. Dinner and dishes. Movie (end of Glory Road and Wildhogs).
"That was like Level 12 of Doom!"
"Don't look at me"
"Okay, Christina Aguilera"
"Who sings this song?"
"XXXXXXX"
"Let them sing it."
Sunday: Church. PSC126. Trampoline. Guitar. Nap. TV. All Star game. NUT10. Blogging. Shower....
___________________________________________________________________
Moving along to more substantial things:
1) I took the CBEST! I hope I passed...
2) I filed for graduation! I should graduate with 180.5 units. :)
3) I signed up for classes! EDU163, EDU115, EDU192 (hopefully), ENL3, MUS10, PHE lifetime fitness, PHE volleyball, and PHE archery!
4) I signed the lease for a 1-bd/bath for the coming year on Valentines Day!
I still can't believe I am graduating. I know I'm really nervous and I'm not ready, but I'm gonna stick it out and push forward. No time for regrets. I know I keep fluctuating back and forth from "no regrets. JUST DO IT." to "I am overwhelmed.. I quit. I can't do this."
I think that is all because I have a goal, but I get so tired and drained that I feel like I can't do it at the given moment. Then I set myself back on track after. I guess I really have to fight myself to stay on track. Like accountability, I guess, except I don't have a accountability partner.
I keep praying to God for help. I think I really learned the meaning of like.. "God will provide/deliver' past the cliche or just the phrase. Jesus is the light so I don't have to be. He lights my darkness.. and in times when I have no clue what to do, where to go, how to do things.. I just ask God for help. I don't expect an answer right away.. because I know I might be asking for the wrong thing at the wrong time. So on top of that, I ask for God to help me ask for the right things.. and to chase after his heart and His alone. It's really vague and stuff, but I like knowing that I can put my life and everything in it to God. I don't know how to say it, but I really think it's a cool thing. A really cool thing.
I start doing a lot of sharing by myself. It's weird that I like sharing by myself though. I feel more comfortable. There's less pressure I think, but the drawback is if the person asks something that I don't know, I don't have anyone to back me up or help me out. The beautiful thing is, I don't have a problem with admitting that I just don't know! I don't know all the answers. I'm not fluent in the Bible, but I just want to tell people about what I've found and how it has changed my life.
I look back at my life.. and I realize that I have changed very much in the course of my 3 years in college. In high school, I wasn't as nice, I was angrier, darker, more pessimistic... and now? I am nice (I hope!), more considerate, I know how to love more genuinely, I'm more tactful and caring. I am not angry at the world. I am not dark and suicidal as much as I used to be (maybe just a few times, but FAR better than before when it pervaded my mind 24/7). I am super more optimistic now! And I want to say that I'm happy! I'm a lot happier in general.
I've learned how to work with my stress. Set boundaries a little. I've worked on myself a lot in college (and I keep saying "a lot".. it's kind of annoying me). I've learned to speak out and be assertive. I've learned that being assertive doesn't mean aggressive and just because you speak your mind, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person! I'm learning to guard my heart and not let people take advantage of me if they have done it before.
I'm actually making good progress. It's slow and it takes patience, but I'm getting further and further every day. It's a good feeling when I can say "No" or not stressing out. Running helps me destress. You know what else I've foudn helps? When I get stressed out.. I take time to just sit and think about it.. and let it settle, then just do whatever I need to do to take care of it.
I just have to get past that "Overwhelming" point.. and take care of it. Making lists works really well with me because it feels good to cross out things. :)
It is well :]
Friday: Hang out at my house. All Star weekend! Madden. Baking sugar cookies.
Saturday: ARC. Fujis. TV. Nap. TV. All Star dunk contest/obstacle course,etc. Dinner and dishes. Movie (end of Glory Road and Wildhogs).
"That was like Level 12 of Doom!"
"Don't look at me"
"Okay, Christina Aguilera"
"Who sings this song?"
"XXXXXXX"
"Let them sing it."
Sunday: Church. PSC126. Trampoline. Guitar. Nap. TV. All Star game. NUT10. Blogging. Shower....
___________________________________________________________________
Moving along to more substantial things:
1) I took the CBEST! I hope I passed...
2) I filed for graduation! I should graduate with 180.5 units. :)
3) I signed up for classes! EDU163, EDU115, EDU192 (hopefully), ENL3, MUS10, PHE lifetime fitness, PHE volleyball, and PHE archery!
4) I signed the lease for a 1-bd/bath for the coming year on Valentines Day!
I still can't believe I am graduating. I know I'm really nervous and I'm not ready, but I'm gonna stick it out and push forward. No time for regrets. I know I keep fluctuating back and forth from "no regrets. JUST DO IT." to "I am overwhelmed.. I quit. I can't do this."
I think that is all because I have a goal, but I get so tired and drained that I feel like I can't do it at the given moment. Then I set myself back on track after. I guess I really have to fight myself to stay on track. Like accountability, I guess, except I don't have a accountability partner.
I keep praying to God for help. I think I really learned the meaning of like.. "God will provide/deliver' past the cliche or just the phrase. Jesus is the light so I don't have to be. He lights my darkness.. and in times when I have no clue what to do, where to go, how to do things.. I just ask God for help. I don't expect an answer right away.. because I know I might be asking for the wrong thing at the wrong time. So on top of that, I ask for God to help me ask for the right things.. and to chase after his heart and His alone. It's really vague and stuff, but I like knowing that I can put my life and everything in it to God. I don't know how to say it, but I really think it's a cool thing. A really cool thing.
I start doing a lot of sharing by myself. It's weird that I like sharing by myself though. I feel more comfortable. There's less pressure I think, but the drawback is if the person asks something that I don't know, I don't have anyone to back me up or help me out. The beautiful thing is, I don't have a problem with admitting that I just don't know! I don't know all the answers. I'm not fluent in the Bible, but I just want to tell people about what I've found and how it has changed my life.
I look back at my life.. and I realize that I have changed very much in the course of my 3 years in college. In high school, I wasn't as nice, I was angrier, darker, more pessimistic... and now? I am nice (I hope!), more considerate, I know how to love more genuinely, I'm more tactful and caring. I am not angry at the world. I am not dark and suicidal as much as I used to be (maybe just a few times, but FAR better than before when it pervaded my mind 24/7). I am super more optimistic now! And I want to say that I'm happy! I'm a lot happier in general.
I've learned how to work with my stress. Set boundaries a little. I've worked on myself a lot in college (and I keep saying "a lot".. it's kind of annoying me). I've learned to speak out and be assertive. I've learned that being assertive doesn't mean aggressive and just because you speak your mind, it doesn't mean that you're a bad person! I'm learning to guard my heart and not let people take advantage of me if they have done it before.
I'm actually making good progress. It's slow and it takes patience, but I'm getting further and further every day. It's a good feeling when I can say "No" or not stressing out. Running helps me destress. You know what else I've foudn helps? When I get stressed out.. I take time to just sit and think about it.. and let it settle, then just do whatever I need to do to take care of it.
I just have to get past that "Overwhelming" point.. and take care of it. Making lists works really well with me because it feels good to cross out things. :)
It is well :]
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
i feel like i have a million and one things to take care of, and my anxiety isn't helping me cope.
i can calm myself if i take things one at a time, but living life like that gets to be unproductive and then it blows me into a fat major panic attack.
i need to get help- not just from God, but from a professional. i really gotta get myself to call and go do it. it's for me.. it's for my health. i'm sure God wants me to be sane and healthy enough to go out and let him use me for whatever He needs me to do.
i've been oversleeping for the past 2-3 weeks now, and in the beginning.. i thought it was just a transition from no coffee and working out more, but somehow, after 2 full weeks and some odd days, i'm beginning to think its more than that. there's something else going on, but i don't know what. something psychological, maybe its from stress. i'm pretty sure i'm not depressed right now, but i had my bout that one day. but its not ongoing, so i'm ruling that out.
it's just that 'to do list' effect i guess. lots of things to do, but nothing is ever accomplished. i need to be patient and more determined at the same time. i am neither of those things right now.
things on my mind
-working on myself/stress/anxiety
-going after God's heart, not mine
-apartment hunting (which slapped me in the face today)
- graduation
- grad school? // future plans// open ended// anxiety//nervousness//need internships//need job in order to pay FOR apartment and grad school
but i'm so tired that i can't do everything, but i need to if i wanna go grad school. money is important to me.
i'm scared. everyone tells me its normal, but i dont' know if it is. i want to cry. i feel really helpless and it makes me feel a lot worse when people tell me that 'everyone's like that who's apply//who's graduating". maybe, but how come they seem to handle it so well.. and i am not?
i wish i knew how to handle this all. i dont care about God putting all these thing in front of me, but i really wish i knew how to handle it all.
i want to grow in God, but i don't want to graduate anymore. really really.
i'm so scared. i'm scared that i fucked up my life and myself for nothing.
i just don't want everything that i did to come down to nothing.. to crash and burn.
i want to run 10 miles a day and lose 10 pounds along with it because feeling soreness and feeling my body give out on me gives me a sense of life. it makes me feel like i'm alive. and the pain i feel from it gives me a reason to justify my stress and everything i feel on the inside. somehow, it's strange, but somehow it is.
its some sick socially acceptable way of hurting myself, but i don't want to hurt myself. i just want my stress to go away. and that brings me back to the point i made before. i need to seek a professional. cause i hurt myself emotionally and physically by doing the things i do.
i need to learn when i've had enough.
there's so many things that i wanna do that i dont' know where to start. i need to start writing out hourly schedules of what to do. i need to piece my life back together.. and it's going to start with this honest post.
1) i need help
2) i need to not be in denial
3) i need to face my flaws and fix them (such as the hurting myself inadvertently by running.. i need to face my problems and not run away from them.. no pun intended)
4) i need to take care of myself
no one said it's going to be easy. and i know its not. cause i look at myself.. and i see myself struggling and drowning. i just gotta keep persisting and being brave.. i can't give up because i'll lose everything that i worked towards. even when i am losing it.. i need to be patient and remember it'll take time. Change won't come overnight.
right now, i'm going to write a list of what i need to do today, and this week and tape it on my bedroom wall. i will do this every week. i'm starting there. and i'll call a doctor soon. i just gotta clean my room first.
c'mon lg. you can be the Little Giant if you just keep at it.
c'mon lg. please, lg.
QP: dear God, thank you for rescuing me. i have nothing without you. i am nothing without you. please guide me. i am ready to follow. please help me let go and let your will be done. please help me be more patient so that i can see my purpose and my plan unfold. i'm after your heart. help me be after your heart alone. please help me through things and remind me daily that worrying will do nothing for me. help me stand when i fall, and help me to keep pushing. i'm yours. use me. amen.
i can calm myself if i take things one at a time, but living life like that gets to be unproductive and then it blows me into a fat major panic attack.
i need to get help- not just from God, but from a professional. i really gotta get myself to call and go do it. it's for me.. it's for my health. i'm sure God wants me to be sane and healthy enough to go out and let him use me for whatever He needs me to do.
i've been oversleeping for the past 2-3 weeks now, and in the beginning.. i thought it was just a transition from no coffee and working out more, but somehow, after 2 full weeks and some odd days, i'm beginning to think its more than that. there's something else going on, but i don't know what. something psychological, maybe its from stress. i'm pretty sure i'm not depressed right now, but i had my bout that one day. but its not ongoing, so i'm ruling that out.
it's just that 'to do list' effect i guess. lots of things to do, but nothing is ever accomplished. i need to be patient and more determined at the same time. i am neither of those things right now.
things on my mind
-working on myself/stress/anxiety
-going after God's heart, not mine
-apartment hunting (which slapped me in the face today)
- graduation
- grad school? // future plans// open ended// anxiety//nervousness//need internships//need job in order to pay FOR apartment and grad school
but i'm so tired that i can't do everything, but i need to if i wanna go grad school. money is important to me.
i'm scared. everyone tells me its normal, but i dont' know if it is. i want to cry. i feel really helpless and it makes me feel a lot worse when people tell me that 'everyone's like that who's apply//who's graduating". maybe, but how come they seem to handle it so well.. and i am not?
i wish i knew how to handle this all. i dont care about God putting all these thing in front of me, but i really wish i knew how to handle it all.
i want to grow in God, but i don't want to graduate anymore. really really.
i'm so scared. i'm scared that i fucked up my life and myself for nothing.
i just don't want everything that i did to come down to nothing.. to crash and burn.
i want to run 10 miles a day and lose 10 pounds along with it because feeling soreness and feeling my body give out on me gives me a sense of life. it makes me feel like i'm alive. and the pain i feel from it gives me a reason to justify my stress and everything i feel on the inside. somehow, it's strange, but somehow it is.
its some sick socially acceptable way of hurting myself, but i don't want to hurt myself. i just want my stress to go away. and that brings me back to the point i made before. i need to seek a professional. cause i hurt myself emotionally and physically by doing the things i do.
i need to learn when i've had enough.
there's so many things that i wanna do that i dont' know where to start. i need to start writing out hourly schedules of what to do. i need to piece my life back together.. and it's going to start with this honest post.
1) i need help
2) i need to not be in denial
3) i need to face my flaws and fix them (such as the hurting myself inadvertently by running.. i need to face my problems and not run away from them.. no pun intended)
4) i need to take care of myself
no one said it's going to be easy. and i know its not. cause i look at myself.. and i see myself struggling and drowning. i just gotta keep persisting and being brave.. i can't give up because i'll lose everything that i worked towards. even when i am losing it.. i need to be patient and remember it'll take time. Change won't come overnight.
right now, i'm going to write a list of what i need to do today, and this week and tape it on my bedroom wall. i will do this every week. i'm starting there. and i'll call a doctor soon. i just gotta clean my room first.
c'mon lg. you can be the Little Giant if you just keep at it.
c'mon lg. please, lg.
QP: dear God, thank you for rescuing me. i have nothing without you. i am nothing without you. please guide me. i am ready to follow. please help me let go and let your will be done. please help me be more patient so that i can see my purpose and my plan unfold. i'm after your heart. help me be after your heart alone. please help me through things and remind me daily that worrying will do nothing for me. help me stand when i fall, and help me to keep pushing. i'm yours. use me. amen.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It's Been Ten Days
10 days ago, I said I would reflect and make a change. I would take up my armor and fight. I would build walls with holes only big enough to let in what I wish.
10 days ago, I said I'd quietly pull back and think hard about things. Instead, I picked up my guitar and played and sang my heart out. It was a temporary fix that I don't regret, yet regret at the same time.
I have been really relaxed in the past two weeks. Nothing really stressed me out to the point of anxiety. Well, not that I recall, but maybe that is because I am being optimistic and excited for 2008. Then again, optimism maybe means the same thing as covering up secrets and making white lies. Or black lies, if there are such things.
Then it just hit me the same way I hit the light post when I went with FL to GAP last Tuesday to buy a scarf. A scarf we chose together that signified my patience, he said. No one likes shopping with him because he takes a long time. But I digress. It hit me all at once. Overwhelming, kinda like I was a driftwood particle being tossed in the silent sea. Or maybe quite like a misplaced cucumber slice in a Cobb salad.
It is jitters that get the best of me. Or the mentality. Or maybe even the thought of moving on. I can't believe I just turned 20. I can't believe that I am graduating in a mere 5 months and some days. When I say that I am knowledgeable about my future plans, I am lying. I say one thing to faces and doubt myself when I am not under the spotlight any longer. I know I'm nervous.. as is anyone.
I talked to my brother tonight really quick. I asked him if he was feeling jittery too, and he said something to the effect YES.. and of having a ton of things to do, but being distracted. I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I'm on the home stretch, but it's not that I can't finish the marathon--at this point in time, I really don't want to.
I have this crazy idea that I'm going to grad school to get a teaching credential.. then going on to get a degree in fashion design. I grabbed this volunteer packet from STA travel today while at the MU. Teaching, learning, being immersed in a culture that is not mine. How wonderful and delightful that would be. Really, it would. I'm not lying--my diction sounds sarcastic, but I am genuine. Wouldn't it be nice? Teach English in Costa Rica while rescuing crocodiles. Teach English in the Galapagos Islands while working and rehabilitating sea turtles.
I'm really beginning to question what I want to do. I don't want to jump into teaching.. I'm 20, graduating from college and graduating to the "real world" as I know it. I want to enjoy my life. I want to take my passions and make them real, not just ideals, hopes, and dreams. I want to turn my aspirations into reality--just as I want to teach my students to do when I start teaching..
I want to go abroad to international countries and reach out and use my passion for Jesus and teach all these people of what I've found. I want to share my story and the amazing things God has done for me. And I will one day do it, I don't care to need support; I don't care to be encouraged or pushed to share. No, I know I will do it. I can do it. God is on my side, and I want to teach more than 1st grade curriculum in life.
There's gotta be more to my life than just San Mateo, Davis, and Sacramento.
There HAS to be. I just know it.
I'm 20, but I have this insane idea.. that maybe, just maybe.. something big is in store for me. And I'm not alone in discovering it.. or conquering it.
10 days ago, I said I'd quietly pull back and think hard about things. Instead, I picked up my guitar and played and sang my heart out. It was a temporary fix that I don't regret, yet regret at the same time.
I have been really relaxed in the past two weeks. Nothing really stressed me out to the point of anxiety. Well, not that I recall, but maybe that is because I am being optimistic and excited for 2008. Then again, optimism maybe means the same thing as covering up secrets and making white lies. Or black lies, if there are such things.
Then it just hit me the same way I hit the light post when I went with FL to GAP last Tuesday to buy a scarf. A scarf we chose together that signified my patience, he said. No one likes shopping with him because he takes a long time. But I digress. It hit me all at once. Overwhelming, kinda like I was a driftwood particle being tossed in the silent sea. Or maybe quite like a misplaced cucumber slice in a Cobb salad.
It is jitters that get the best of me. Or the mentality. Or maybe even the thought of moving on. I can't believe I just turned 20. I can't believe that I am graduating in a mere 5 months and some days. When I say that I am knowledgeable about my future plans, I am lying. I say one thing to faces and doubt myself when I am not under the spotlight any longer. I know I'm nervous.. as is anyone.
I talked to my brother tonight really quick. I asked him if he was feeling jittery too, and he said something to the effect YES.. and of having a ton of things to do, but being distracted. I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I'm on the home stretch, but it's not that I can't finish the marathon--at this point in time, I really don't want to.
I have this crazy idea that I'm going to grad school to get a teaching credential.. then going on to get a degree in fashion design. I grabbed this volunteer packet from STA travel today while at the MU. Teaching, learning, being immersed in a culture that is not mine. How wonderful and delightful that would be. Really, it would. I'm not lying--my diction sounds sarcastic, but I am genuine. Wouldn't it be nice? Teach English in Costa Rica while rescuing crocodiles. Teach English in the Galapagos Islands while working and rehabilitating sea turtles.
I'm really beginning to question what I want to do. I don't want to jump into teaching.. I'm 20, graduating from college and graduating to the "real world" as I know it. I want to enjoy my life. I want to take my passions and make them real, not just ideals, hopes, and dreams. I want to turn my aspirations into reality--just as I want to teach my students to do when I start teaching..
I want to go abroad to international countries and reach out and use my passion for Jesus and teach all these people of what I've found. I want to share my story and the amazing things God has done for me. And I will one day do it, I don't care to need support; I don't care to be encouraged or pushed to share. No, I know I will do it. I can do it. God is on my side, and I want to teach more than 1st grade curriculum in life.
There's gotta be more to my life than just San Mateo, Davis, and Sacramento.
There HAS to be. I just know it.
I'm 20, but I have this insane idea.. that maybe, just maybe.. something big is in store for me. And I'm not alone in discovering it.. or conquering it.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I am taking the time to reflect on what you said, and you are right.
I just keep sitting here hurting myself. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But I need to know that I don't take advantage of God's grace as much as I do. I want to know that I am not being passive in my approach towards the world.
And what you told me was what my family told me before too. That I am different, but I'm scared because I don't want that my morals and convictions to be shot down the crapper because the "rest of the world" doesn't think like I do. I hope that the things I believe and the convictions I have.. are honestly going in the right direction and I'll pray and pray that I am going in the right direction with the right mindset.
It hurts because (yes, it is good to forgive) I never guard my heart. I throw myself in 100% into everything eyes closed, arms open. That is where I fail. Forgiving too fast and without repentance, wrong perspective... people taking advantage, but I let them take it. And so they do.
People can only take what you let them take, and I am stripped bare. Because I don't guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
I think I need to just pull back and really think about this all. I know you're right.. I know you're getting me in the right direction. I just need to make a play by play, write the rules of the game, and carry it out. People aren't going to change, and so I must. If I don't want things to be like this anymore, I have to change. I have to start guarding my heart.
I don't know where selfishness fits in here. I don't know where boundaries fit in. I'm going to tackle this, because I don't want to be like this anymore. Not for life. Not this time.
I just keep sitting here hurting myself. I don't think I'm perfect, I'm far from that. But I need to know that I don't take advantage of God's grace as much as I do. I want to know that I am not being passive in my approach towards the world.
And what you told me was what my family told me before too. That I am different, but I'm scared because I don't want that my morals and convictions to be shot down the crapper because the "rest of the world" doesn't think like I do. I hope that the things I believe and the convictions I have.. are honestly going in the right direction and I'll pray and pray that I am going in the right direction with the right mindset.
It hurts because (yes, it is good to forgive) I never guard my heart. I throw myself in 100% into everything eyes closed, arms open. That is where I fail. Forgiving too fast and without repentance, wrong perspective... people taking advantage, but I let them take it. And so they do.
People can only take what you let them take, and I am stripped bare. Because I don't guard my heart. Proverbs 4:23, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
I think I need to just pull back and really think about this all. I know you're right.. I know you're getting me in the right direction. I just need to make a play by play, write the rules of the game, and carry it out. People aren't going to change, and so I must. If I don't want things to be like this anymore, I have to change. I have to start guarding my heart.
I don't know where selfishness fits in here. I don't know where boundaries fit in. I'm going to tackle this, because I don't want to be like this anymore. Not for life. Not this time.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Some people are so inconsiderate and tactless! And others are selfish on top of that too!
Why is there never communication or even inklings of things being democratic?
It's not he says she says and it is so, you guys. You're not God. You don't get 7 days to create the world.
There is no accountability, no respect, and no communication.
and frankly, I've had enough.
Why is there never communication or even inklings of things being democratic?
It's not he says she says and it is so, you guys. You're not God. You don't get 7 days to create the world.
There is no accountability, no respect, and no communication.
and frankly, I've had enough.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Music and Lyrics
My winter break has been full of guitar and piano.
I look up guitar chords for songs and then play them on the guitar.. and I also play it on the piano after too. Singing while playing anything is distracting sometimes when you first learn a song, but you get the hang of it after a while.
I was playing and singing "Sunday Morning" on the piano one day, and Mom was so amazed at that. I don't really sing in front of people (even my parents). I don't know why.. I sing in front of my brother in the car when we're driving.. but that's it.
So it was kinda strange because my dad wanted to record me singing and playing some stuff. He likes recording and stuff. He's got a little psuedo-recording studio in the den. Hahaha. Props to him for chasing his passions. But I declined.. I'm not into being recorded.. because I'm hecka sucky at piano (now) and guitar.. and I'm not pro in singing either!
But after I came back from my mini-vacation to Davis, I was riding in the car with my family, and my brother commented that I should start writing my own songs. I started thinking about it... and that'd be really neat. I wouldn't have to share them.. I could just do it for fun.
...but I think making melodies and matching lyrics is hard.
I look up guitar chords for songs and then play them on the guitar.. and I also play it on the piano after too. Singing while playing anything is distracting sometimes when you first learn a song, but you get the hang of it after a while.
I was playing and singing "Sunday Morning" on the piano one day, and Mom was so amazed at that. I don't really sing in front of people (even my parents). I don't know why.. I sing in front of my brother in the car when we're driving.. but that's it.
So it was kinda strange because my dad wanted to record me singing and playing some stuff. He likes recording and stuff. He's got a little psuedo-recording studio in the den. Hahaha. Props to him for chasing his passions. But I declined.. I'm not into being recorded.. because I'm hecka sucky at piano (now) and guitar.. and I'm not pro in singing either!
But after I came back from my mini-vacation to Davis, I was riding in the car with my family, and my brother commented that I should start writing my own songs. I started thinking about it... and that'd be really neat. I wouldn't have to share them.. I could just do it for fun.
...but I think making melodies and matching lyrics is hard.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Post of the Past
I wrote this May 09, 2007 and put it on private.. and I have just discovered it. I shall share:
'just push it push it for a few more days'
'lord god, give me strength' she prays
bam! shot down. mutilated and broken.
hypocritical. not following the words she's spoken
to others. she needs to take the advice she gave
her mind her body-- master and slave
clarity clarity conscience rang so true
when you're dead theres nothing that you can do.
she cant, she wont, she can't stop now
she cant, she wont, she don't know how.
she wants to be perfect thats her ideal
she wants to be kind, caring, genuine, and real
make up for everything shes not
overwhelmed with challenges, she stumbled, got caught.
accustomed to sorrow, to failure, to pain
pessimism got the best of her. 'you got nothing to gain'
years passed with this mindset. there are her downfalls
over the years, she gets too many wake up calls
the light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train
and death seemed sweeter than the sweetest sugar cane.
years pass. she wants the good to outweigh the bad
she gives up her time, her life, everything she's had.
positives. not negatives. failures are only bumps in the road
she worked at it, but always had this forebode-
ing feeling that it was 2 steps forward 10 steps back
life kept slipping through the crevices and cracks
now she runs. battery acid pumping through her veins
crashing cars, flying across five imaginary lanes.
out of control. she presses ctrl+z
and she sees how lucky she is to be alive, you see.
all the love she gave was given back
neverending love that cut no slack
unconditionally
by her own family
so she can, she will, she can stop now
she can, she will, she's willing to learn how
she can, she will, and she's gonna start now.
she's been walking down the tunnel towards that same glimmering light
it wasnt a freight train. it wasnt death. it was hope that everything would be alright.
it was just a glimpse of what she could be; just fight that fight
its attainable. she knows it now. and so her goods chase her bads into the night.
so she can, she will, she can stop now
she can, she will, she's willing to learn how
she can, she will, and she's gonna start now.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sacrificial Love: Part II
Something Just Ain't Right
I have too much that I do not deserve.
When it comes down to it, I'll admit. My parents work hard and they are good savers. I don't really have to worry about money, but I'm not one of those kids who are born into the world with my life paved for me.
I don't WANT my life to be paved for me- I'm paving my own. And I don't want to become so sucked into this materialistic world that the value of my dollar decreases. I want it to be worth a million to me. Every exchange should be a well thought out trade-off. Economics 101. Don't buy stuff you don't need.. for real.
But sometimes money is on my mind. I quit my job.. and maybe because it's the Christmas season that I spend so much more.. but that's exactly what I hate about Christmas. Isn't Christmas about Jesus? I think Christmas lights are pretty.. I think real Christmas trees are beautiful and smell even more wonderful, but I don't need it. It goes to show how much we waste.. in time, money, and energy... towards things that are.. the worse choice. We waste so much electricity powering up Christmas lights, even if it's just one month out of 12. We kill so many trees that could be used for other paper goods. Sure, a fake tree isn't as authentic.. but hey.. global warming. Global heating. Even if you don't believe it.. what harm could it do to save a little?? It's your money from your pocket that pays for these ephemeral, aesthetic things.
When millions are suffering and dying in foreign countries, we are Hollywood and we have enough money to surgically beautify ourselves. When the news shows some of the realities of the world... VH1 and MTV promote petty drama and materialism. When there's people dying of hunger, we are sitting in our SUVs to buy burgers at a drive through.. and I really think that something is wrong. We need change... why don't we spend all this time, energy, and money.. on each other.
Why don't we spend it on LOVE??
Sacrificial Love: Part II
(Part I was on Dec21 if you would like to refresh your memory.)
Do you know what altruistic love it? I've been told that I possess this kind of love. It is putting others before yourself.. with a genuine concern for them. I'm not trying to promote myself. I am telling you observations that others have made of me. And this blog is where I am honest and open..because "those" cannot read it. I must say, I don't think I am like this all the time. I can think of many times where I put myself before others. But the basic idea is.. loving someone at the level where you know that loving them is a commitment, in which you must give up your time, money, and energy, yet you still continue through with the relationship.
As Hybels says, sacrificial love is great, but the biggest drawback is..dun dun DUN!!!: BURNOUT!
Those that know me.. probably associate me with this word. I haven't been brave enough (or smart enough for that matter) to draw my boundaries yet. I am beginning to, and it's not that bad! :) But Hybels says that people who are moral and well disciplined say although they are out of love, they are still going to give all that they have. That sounds a lot like me.
But honestly.. that's very commendable, but is that a good choice? Things people ask you to do become obligations. Acts of kindness become a bar to reach- a status quo that is ever increasing. Phone calls that cry for a listening ear become invaders.. intrusions of quiet time- time for YOURSELF to sit back, relax, and recharge.
I always describe burnout to Mom as "if I was a car, I started out with a full tank, but I'm out right now. And as much as I WANT to go ahead and keep going, I can't because I just have no fuel. I have no more fuel." I'm really glad Hybels brought up the empty tank idea. He brings up THREE types of tanks we have: Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical.
After reading this chapter, I realize that I'm struggling so badly because I'm completely out of ALL THREE.
Spiritual: I'm running a race again.. and it's a marathon. I can't bear to slow down because I feel like I'm being unproductive, but honestly.. sometimes doing NOTHING is the BEST thing to do. Constantly on the run doing this and that.. for this person and that person and for apps and for graduation, etc etc etc. It will never stop, but I can. I NEED to too! I need to do those quiet times... and just embrace that solitude. I need to be encouraged in God and take time to fuel up spiritually. Remember when Jesus would always go to the mountain and pray? Golgotha or what not. I need to take that 15 minutes. that 1 hr. whatever.
Emotional: Major life changes drain you emotionally. You got that right! Close friend diagnosed with cancer. Another getting over cancer. Graduating. Housemates. Relationships. Internships. Work. Academics. Grad school applications. Future decisions. Parents' health. I was faced with a LOT of big decisions this past qtr.. and I was drained emotionally.
Hybels tells of two ways to refuel emotionally: 1) RELAX!! 2) Recreation
1) I started doing this thing to try to help me relax before I sleep or if I am very high strung-- closing my eyes and listening to my breathing. Just focus on my breathing. It helps a little. What also helps to write it all out on paper or blogs. A third way is to pray. I'm doing really well with relaxing in proportion to the level of stress I am faced with at this current moment.
2) Recreation: Do what you LOVE DOING! I love running. I love boxing. I love doing arts and crafts. I love reading. I love working out. And I'm going to just DO THEM. I need it. That's what I will call "Me Time". No one can interfere with those things.
Physical: 1) Eat 2) Sleep 3)Exercise
I was pretty meh in all 3 areas. I'd say close to 40% F. This should be easy for me to take care of. Minimal coffee this qtr. More sleep. 2 PHE classes. :D I'm really trying, guys. I'm not kidding. I WANT THIS.
Never shall I give up my sacrificial love, despite my empty tanks. You can sacrifice AND take care of yourself to maximize effectiveness and efficiency. Balance. Don't have to give up your morals or your "me time".. see, lg?
Love sacrificially :),
lg, LG
I have too much that I do not deserve.
When it comes down to it, I'll admit. My parents work hard and they are good savers. I don't really have to worry about money, but I'm not one of those kids who are born into the world with my life paved for me.
I don't WANT my life to be paved for me- I'm paving my own. And I don't want to become so sucked into this materialistic world that the value of my dollar decreases. I want it to be worth a million to me. Every exchange should be a well thought out trade-off. Economics 101. Don't buy stuff you don't need.. for real.
But sometimes money is on my mind. I quit my job.. and maybe because it's the Christmas season that I spend so much more.. but that's exactly what I hate about Christmas. Isn't Christmas about Jesus? I think Christmas lights are pretty.. I think real Christmas trees are beautiful and smell even more wonderful, but I don't need it. It goes to show how much we waste.. in time, money, and energy... towards things that are.. the worse choice. We waste so much electricity powering up Christmas lights, even if it's just one month out of 12. We kill so many trees that could be used for other paper goods. Sure, a fake tree isn't as authentic.. but hey.. global warming. Global heating. Even if you don't believe it.. what harm could it do to save a little?? It's your money from your pocket that pays for these ephemeral, aesthetic things.
When millions are suffering and dying in foreign countries, we are Hollywood and we have enough money to surgically beautify ourselves. When the news shows some of the realities of the world... VH1 and MTV promote petty drama and materialism. When there's people dying of hunger, we are sitting in our SUVs to buy burgers at a drive through.. and I really think that something is wrong. We need change... why don't we spend all this time, energy, and money.. on each other.
Why don't we spend it on LOVE??
Sacrificial Love: Part II
(Part I was on Dec21 if you would like to refresh your memory.)
Do you know what altruistic love it? I've been told that I possess this kind of love. It is putting others before yourself.. with a genuine concern for them. I'm not trying to promote myself. I am telling you observations that others have made of me. And this blog is where I am honest and open..because "those" cannot read it. I must say, I don't think I am like this all the time. I can think of many times where I put myself before others. But the basic idea is.. loving someone at the level where you know that loving them is a commitment, in which you must give up your time, money, and energy, yet you still continue through with the relationship.
As Hybels says, sacrificial love is great, but the biggest drawback is..dun dun DUN!!!: BURNOUT!
Those that know me.. probably associate me with this word. I haven't been brave enough (or smart enough for that matter) to draw my boundaries yet. I am beginning to, and it's not that bad! :) But Hybels says that people who are moral and well disciplined say although they are out of love, they are still going to give all that they have. That sounds a lot like me.
But honestly.. that's very commendable, but is that a good choice? Things people ask you to do become obligations. Acts of kindness become a bar to reach- a status quo that is ever increasing. Phone calls that cry for a listening ear become invaders.. intrusions of quiet time- time for YOURSELF to sit back, relax, and recharge.
I always describe burnout to Mom as "if I was a car, I started out with a full tank, but I'm out right now. And as much as I WANT to go ahead and keep going, I can't because I just have no fuel. I have no more fuel." I'm really glad Hybels brought up the empty tank idea. He brings up THREE types of tanks we have: Spiritual, Emotional, and Physical.
After reading this chapter, I realize that I'm struggling so badly because I'm completely out of ALL THREE.
Spiritual: I'm running a race again.. and it's a marathon. I can't bear to slow down because I feel like I'm being unproductive, but honestly.. sometimes doing NOTHING is the BEST thing to do. Constantly on the run doing this and that.. for this person and that person and for apps and for graduation, etc etc etc. It will never stop, but I can. I NEED to too! I need to do those quiet times... and just embrace that solitude. I need to be encouraged in God and take time to fuel up spiritually. Remember when Jesus would always go to the mountain and pray? Golgotha or what not. I need to take that 15 minutes. that 1 hr. whatever.
Emotional: Major life changes drain you emotionally. You got that right! Close friend diagnosed with cancer. Another getting over cancer. Graduating. Housemates. Relationships. Internships. Work. Academics. Grad school applications. Future decisions. Parents' health. I was faced with a LOT of big decisions this past qtr.. and I was drained emotionally.
Hybels tells of two ways to refuel emotionally: 1) RELAX!! 2) Recreation
1) I started doing this thing to try to help me relax before I sleep or if I am very high strung-- closing my eyes and listening to my breathing. Just focus on my breathing. It helps a little. What also helps to write it all out on paper or blogs. A third way is to pray. I'm doing really well with relaxing in proportion to the level of stress I am faced with at this current moment.
2) Recreation: Do what you LOVE DOING! I love running. I love boxing. I love doing arts and crafts. I love reading. I love working out. And I'm going to just DO THEM. I need it. That's what I will call "Me Time". No one can interfere with those things.
Physical: 1) Eat 2) Sleep 3)Exercise
I was pretty meh in all 3 areas. I'd say close to 40% F. This should be easy for me to take care of. Minimal coffee this qtr. More sleep. 2 PHE classes. :D I'm really trying, guys. I'm not kidding. I WANT THIS.
Never shall I give up my sacrificial love, despite my empty tanks. You can sacrifice AND take care of yourself to maximize effectiveness and efficiency. Balance. Don't have to give up your morals or your "me time".. see, lg?
Love sacrificially :),
lg, LG
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Be Still: I Am Listening!
Dearest Little Girl,
I understand your anxiety and fear. I understand that you have a cyclical rounds of panic attacks. I saw you when you were filled with aggression, then with fear, then with regret. I saw you try to breathe and overcome them. I saw your makeup run as you tried to hold in your tears. I saw your frustration. I saw you try to swallow the little things and look past them.
No, it will not be easy. It is hurtful to yourself to be swearing and screaming in the car as you drive. I hear you plead to God. I hear all your prayers to God too. I hear you scream that you give up in your actions.. your desire for the drugs. Drugs may make them all stop, but will you be able to accomplish things for certain?
I ask of you to keep heart. Do what you must to release the pent up emotions you refuse to let the world know. No one ever said fighting disorders by yourself would be easy. You can go to the psychiatrist when you get back to Davis. Just take it one thing at a time, but I assure you that you WILL make it through. I know you know that you are under a huge amount of stress and that you are overwhelmed right now. Take a break. Shoot some hoops. Run some suicides. Do some situps. Box. Come back to it.
Don't force yourself. You're usually running a race in life. You need to be training for the marathon, but currently, you're backtracked into running a sprint. Don't run away from it. Take a deep breath and start again.
It's like Mom said to us: "You're very independent already. I don't have to take care of you at all: you can cook, you buy clothes and food for yourself. You study hard, you work hard, and you do well. When you fall, you don't need me to help you stand up. You stand up by yourself after a while. I am proud of you."
They will love you if you don't make it. Your friends won't leave you if you don't make it. Learn to love yourself, lg. Honestly.. you gotta learn to love yourself for WHO you are. It's good to try to be the best that you can be, but don't push yourself too hard. Don't overextend. Don't always set your expectations an unrealistic goals.. you're not loving yourself right now.
And when you feel that surge of energy and inspiration.. that glimpse of hope.. it is me, the Giant. I may be ephemeral and fleeting, but I am always here when you need me most. Trust in me.
You can do this lg. I believe in you,
LG
PS. I'm don't have multiple personalities- it is a metaphor. This is the way my mind pushes and pulls to rationalize and to help me inspire myself. This is what Mom meant by "you don't need me to help you stand". LG helps me stand when lg falls. LG is kinda like God (like Holy Spirit) or the mental/psychological/spiritual me... lg is me (the physical me).
I understand your anxiety and fear. I understand that you have a cyclical rounds of panic attacks. I saw you when you were filled with aggression, then with fear, then with regret. I saw you try to breathe and overcome them. I saw your makeup run as you tried to hold in your tears. I saw your frustration. I saw you try to swallow the little things and look past them.
No, it will not be easy. It is hurtful to yourself to be swearing and screaming in the car as you drive. I hear you plead to God. I hear all your prayers to God too. I hear you scream that you give up in your actions.. your desire for the drugs. Drugs may make them all stop, but will you be able to accomplish things for certain?
I ask of you to keep heart. Do what you must to release the pent up emotions you refuse to let the world know. No one ever said fighting disorders by yourself would be easy. You can go to the psychiatrist when you get back to Davis. Just take it one thing at a time, but I assure you that you WILL make it through. I know you know that you are under a huge amount of stress and that you are overwhelmed right now. Take a break. Shoot some hoops. Run some suicides. Do some situps. Box. Come back to it.
Don't force yourself. You're usually running a race in life. You need to be training for the marathon, but currently, you're backtracked into running a sprint. Don't run away from it. Take a deep breath and start again.
It's like Mom said to us: "You're very independent already. I don't have to take care of you at all: you can cook, you buy clothes and food for yourself. You study hard, you work hard, and you do well. When you fall, you don't need me to help you stand up. You stand up by yourself after a while. I am proud of you."
They will love you if you don't make it. Your friends won't leave you if you don't make it. Learn to love yourself, lg. Honestly.. you gotta learn to love yourself for WHO you are. It's good to try to be the best that you can be, but don't push yourself too hard. Don't overextend. Don't always set your expectations an unrealistic goals.. you're not loving yourself right now.
And when you feel that surge of energy and inspiration.. that glimpse of hope.. it is me, the Giant. I may be ephemeral and fleeting, but I am always here when you need me most. Trust in me.
You can do this lg. I believe in you,
LG
PS. I'm don't have multiple personalities- it is a metaphor. This is the way my mind pushes and pulls to rationalize and to help me inspire myself. This is what Mom meant by "you don't need me to help you stand". LG helps me stand when lg falls. LG is kinda like God (like Holy Spirit) or the mental/psychological/spiritual me... lg is me (the physical me).
"Sleepless in SM"
Dearest Giant,
I can't sleep and I'm positive that it's because I can't stop thinking. I need to just write to get it all out. I think I had a few quasi-panic attacks, but I don't even know anymore. I went to bed at 11pm tonight, feeling a tad helpless after working on my apps. There's 5 questions, all of which I just got either stumped on, or intimidated by- I lie, it's both.
I just want this so bad. I put a great deal of pressure on myself hoping I'll get it and in. In reality, I have no idea what my standing is. Maybe I shouldn't play this up because not getting accepted would be.. extra hard, to say the least.
I know I'm nervous, geez, I know I am. I'm not ready to get out there into the big world. I feel inferior.. I feel like I'm really incompetent. Okay, maybe I'm not actually incompetent, but I can't deny the fact that I feel that way.. I'm 19, almost 20. If all goes according to plan, I'll probably graduate from grad school or whatever further schooling I choose to do when I'm 22 1/2. I feel like as a teacher, I will have my students' parents think of me as incompetent. They will judge me harder and I know, I know I have to look past it, keep my chin up and keep marching.. but that's really just a facade. I'd be lying if I said I could do that with confidence. I'm intimidated- very much so.
Maybe all college graduates feel like this when they're about to graduate. This... restlessness, this anxiety, this unwarranted feeling of despair?? I really hope so. :\
I also feel tired of everything leading back to anxiety. Okay, so the doctor solidified my suspicions, but I don't want it to go back to it. I want to control it- I want to be BIGGER than it!! For real!!! I know it doesn't seem that way because I always "freak out" and spin out of control.. but in the back of my mind, I am sane. I am logical. I am still coherently thinking. I KNOW that I am overwhelmed when I have panic attacks. My real trouble isn't in that.. I don't see that necessarily as a problem. My real trouble is in getting rid of my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair, fear, etc etc etc. The trouble is dissipating those feelings and not let them hinder my forward progress.
So tonight, when I went to bed at 11pm, I had trouble sleeping. My mom opened my door to put my glasses on my dresser and it woke me up. That was at 12:59. I haven't been able to fall asleep since then. It's 3:47 right now. I got up to get some water and tried to sleep, but to no avail. And so I got up to write out everything that's dominating my mind.
Man... tonight, I prayed so hard that I cried! I didn't pray for God to help me write good essays. I prayed that he would help me see what His will is. Why do I say that? Because.. it's like what I said to Mom two nights ago during our talk: "All Fall Quarter.. I just wished for Winter Break to come. And now that it's here? I'm studying for the CBEST/CSET. I'm working on those applications... and I want to be with you guys. Spending time with you guys."
I want to be back at home to relax and spend quality time with my family. And I can't because I.messed.up. I made a mistake. I don't know how to fix it, but I want to (my mistake, that is). Because when I try to fix it by spending time with my family, I get panic attacks on a constant flow. One right after the other. In fact, I am currently mid-cycle. My mind is worrying about those things.. and I can't give my 100% to what's in front of me. I want that to stop, but I honestly don't know how [YET.]
I keep saying "After I finish this, I'll have so much time to spend with my family, my friends.." and all that is.. is a empty promise to myself. To them. And I regret that more than anything. I regret my choices and mistakes not really for the mistake itself, but for the consequences that I know I face.
And here I stand at so many forks in the road.. and I have to make decisions. I can make more empty promises or I can make amends. I choose to make amends. And there opens more decisions to make. How am I going to do it? Should I drop my goals and spend all my time on those that I love? I know if I did that.. I would inflict a HUGE amount of guilt on them and I know they wouldn't want that. So the key is: BALANCE, I guess.
I made the decision, but I'm not quite confident or well, even VAGUELY certain of myself. I don't believe it yet, but I'm willing to pray until God helps me believe it. Really. I want this to happen, but I have to learn to let go. I know that I am highly overwhelmed right now.. and unstable. I'm starting to become weary of myself and my fearful, anxious, and negative attitude. I am sure that others feel the same way towards me also, and that is valid. I understand and I apologize. I understand also that people may abandon me at this point in time because it's.. hard to be around me to listen to me.. to not have my full attention. I understand.
I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I feel like right now.. all I have is myself and God. God doesn't get impatient with me, He'll always be there to listen, He'll always be there to lean on.. and as corny and crummy as I sound, I honestly feel like that's all I have right now.
I can't sleep and I'm positive that it's because I can't stop thinking. I need to just write to get it all out. I think I had a few quasi-panic attacks, but I don't even know anymore. I went to bed at 11pm tonight, feeling a tad helpless after working on my apps. There's 5 questions, all of which I just got either stumped on, or intimidated by- I lie, it's both.
I just want this so bad. I put a great deal of pressure on myself hoping I'll get it and in. In reality, I have no idea what my standing is. Maybe I shouldn't play this up because not getting accepted would be.. extra hard, to say the least.
I know I'm nervous, geez, I know I am. I'm not ready to get out there into the big world. I feel inferior.. I feel like I'm really incompetent. Okay, maybe I'm not actually incompetent, but I can't deny the fact that I feel that way.. I'm 19, almost 20. If all goes according to plan, I'll probably graduate from grad school or whatever further schooling I choose to do when I'm 22 1/2. I feel like as a teacher, I will have my students' parents think of me as incompetent. They will judge me harder and I know, I know I have to look past it, keep my chin up and keep marching.. but that's really just a facade. I'd be lying if I said I could do that with confidence. I'm intimidated- very much so.
Maybe all college graduates feel like this when they're about to graduate. This... restlessness, this anxiety, this unwarranted feeling of despair?? I really hope so. :\
I also feel tired of everything leading back to anxiety. Okay, so the doctor solidified my suspicions, but I don't want it to go back to it. I want to control it- I want to be BIGGER than it!! For real!!! I know it doesn't seem that way because I always "freak out" and spin out of control.. but in the back of my mind, I am sane. I am logical. I am still coherently thinking. I KNOW that I am overwhelmed when I have panic attacks. My real trouble isn't in that.. I don't see that necessarily as a problem. My real trouble is in getting rid of my feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, despair, fear, etc etc etc. The trouble is dissipating those feelings and not let them hinder my forward progress.
So tonight, when I went to bed at 11pm, I had trouble sleeping. My mom opened my door to put my glasses on my dresser and it woke me up. That was at 12:59. I haven't been able to fall asleep since then. It's 3:47 right now. I got up to get some water and tried to sleep, but to no avail. And so I got up to write out everything that's dominating my mind.
Man... tonight, I prayed so hard that I cried! I didn't pray for God to help me write good essays. I prayed that he would help me see what His will is. Why do I say that? Because.. it's like what I said to Mom two nights ago during our talk: "All Fall Quarter.. I just wished for Winter Break to come. And now that it's here? I'm studying for the CBEST/CSET. I'm working on those applications... and I want to be with you guys. Spending time with you guys."
I want to be back at home to relax and spend quality time with my family. And I can't because I.messed.up. I made a mistake. I don't know how to fix it, but I want to (my mistake, that is). Because when I try to fix it by spending time with my family, I get panic attacks on a constant flow. One right after the other. In fact, I am currently mid-cycle. My mind is worrying about those things.. and I can't give my 100% to what's in front of me. I want that to stop, but I honestly don't know how [YET.]
I keep saying "After I finish this, I'll have so much time to spend with my family, my friends.." and all that is.. is a empty promise to myself. To them. And I regret that more than anything. I regret my choices and mistakes not really for the mistake itself, but for the consequences that I know I face.
And here I stand at so many forks in the road.. and I have to make decisions. I can make more empty promises or I can make amends. I choose to make amends. And there opens more decisions to make. How am I going to do it? Should I drop my goals and spend all my time on those that I love? I know if I did that.. I would inflict a HUGE amount of guilt on them and I know they wouldn't want that. So the key is: BALANCE, I guess.
I made the decision, but I'm not quite confident or well, even VAGUELY certain of myself. I don't believe it yet, but I'm willing to pray until God helps me believe it. Really. I want this to happen, but I have to learn to let go. I know that I am highly overwhelmed right now.. and unstable. I'm starting to become weary of myself and my fearful, anxious, and negative attitude. I am sure that others feel the same way towards me also, and that is valid. I understand and I apologize. I understand also that people may abandon me at this point in time because it's.. hard to be around me to listen to me.. to not have my full attention. I understand.
I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I feel like right now.. all I have is myself and God. God doesn't get impatient with me, He'll always be there to listen, He'll always be there to lean on.. and as corny and crummy as I sound, I honestly feel like that's all I have right now.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
So this is what I had decided tonight:
I am going back to Davis Dec26-Dec28 (maybe Dec29 morning). I am sacrificing 2.5 days with my family, but I talked with them and they support me in my decision. I am going back for 4 main reasons:
1) I forgot crucial things I need (such as more CLOTHES, maybe??? :S)
2) I need those papers I wrote for all my Education classes for inspiration on my apps.
3) I need my books and textbooks from my Education and UWP104D class to help me brainstorm and get ideas rolling so I can answer those questions on the apps.
4) I need my sleeping pills. (because I haven't had a good nights sleep since I got back- my mattress is... unbearably soft so I have a perpetual kink in my neck and bigger knots in my back- AND I keep waking up in the middle of the night every few hours)
5) I will have an undoubtedly and insanely quiet 2.5+ days to myself (4+ hrs of which will be driving, in which case I can think and process everything in my life of current) in my own house. There will be no brother drumming, no father strumming, and no relatives loudly chatting.
Bye,
lg. 4:04am
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